Winston: Yeah, over in Latvia they had this fermented milk stuff that they drink. Whole country runs on the stuff. Called [bleats]. [bleats] was definitely one of my biggest endorsements. I mean, I have a lot of endorsements, but that was probably my biggest endorsement amongst other endorsements that I had.
Shelby: Wow.

Julia: There are, like, lots of girls coming in and out of this place?
Jess: Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s. He accepts everyone.
Julia: Yeah, and... Winston and Nick...
Jess: I probably shouldn't...
Julia: Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to...
Jess: Plead the Fifth!
Julia: No, that's not what...
Jess: Objection!

Jess: I just had an idea. Why don't we hang our towels on towel bars instead of hooks, and that'll make them dryer?
Schmidt: That is the... that is... that is a great idea. Quick question for you. As a lesbian gynecologist, perhaps, one of these days, the two of us could sit down and talk about OSI.
Sadie: What is OSI?
Schmidt: Our shared interest.
Jess: Schmidt, clothe yourself!
Schmidt: All right, all right. It was just a suggestion.

Julia: Boyfriend.That's so lame. You're totally going to... carry my books home from school.
Nick: I will if you wear my leatherman jacket.
Julia: It's "letterman" jacket.
Nick: No, I'm pretty sure it's a leatherman jacket.
Julia: You letter...
Nick: The leather sleeves that the football guys wear?

Jess: She told him she didn't want to label it.
Sadie: Oh. I mean, that's a classic move, even in the lesbian community.
Schmidt: What are we talking about?
Sadie: Did you just hear the phrase "lesbian community" and come running out of your room?
Schmidt: I did. Uh... question, for you. This community you speak of, do the ladies look, uh... more like this one or, you know... kind of Nickish?
Nick: Aw, shut up, Schmidt.
Sadie: I did date a woman who looked a lot like Nick.
Jess: You did. Felicia.

Jess: It didn't go well with Shelby?
Winston: I gotta say, I thought it would be easy. You know? Maybe... Maybe I don't have game. Maybe I never had game. Maybe it's always been about basketball.
Nick: Yeah, you don't have any game. It's always been because you play basketball. Are you seriously just realizing that you don't have game?
Winston: What is your secret, man? How do normal guys get girls?
Schmidt: Let's not say "normal." Just, you know, say what it is ... "average."

Jess: Well, there's actually more there than meets the eye. Um, there was a bird ... he's not in the shot ... but he was injured, and he couldn't get out of the road, and so I braked, and then I had to accelerate out of the intersection.
Julia: You missed your first court date on this.
Jess: My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me before the court date, because he doesn't believe in mail, which has to do with his thoughts on government spending.
Julia: Now it's an $800 fine.
Jess: That's why I need, like, a really awesome lawyer, like you. So... can you help me?
Julia: I mean, I can try. You never know. A judge might buy into this whole thing, so...
Jess: What "whole thing"?
Julia: Your whole thing. With the cupcakes, and the braking for birds, and... bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning.
Jess: Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.
Julia: It's a great thing. I mean, the big, beautiful eyes, like a scared baby. I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.
Jess: Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's, like, almost too good.

Cece: She said you have "a whole thing"?
Sadie: I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts?
Cece: Where is she right now?
Sadie: Look, I think I know what she meant. I mean, you do like girly stuff. I mean, it kind of freaked me out at first. When I met you, you were wearing a hat made of ribbons.
Jess: My ribbon hat. I love that hat.
Cece: Screw her. And I'm gonna wear that ribbon hat. Go get it, right now.

Nick: Okay, what did Julia do wrong?
Jess: It's just how girls fight sometimes. There's a lot unsaid. Like one time, a girl said to me, "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."
Sadie: Ooh. How did she say it?
Jess: [Valley girl voice] "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."
Cece: That is diabolical.
Sadie: I'm really sorry.
Jess: And it ruined our friendship. I mean, I couldn't get over the polka dot incident.

Nick: You're dating other people?
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Nick: No. No, I'm seeing other people, too.
Julia: Good. Good.
Nick: I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman. Except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver.
Julia: I've had to start carrying, like, athletic shoes in my purse, 'cause I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another. Can't wear heels.
Nick: Well, I'm having sex right now. Under the bar. And she's on top. So figure that out. [moans]