‘Jess and Julia’
Season 1, Episode 11 - Aired January 31, 2012
Nick panics when Julia doesn't want to put a label on their relationship. Meanwhile, Jess is upset to learn Julia doesn't like her, Winston realizes he has no game, and Schmidt can't figure out why his towel is always wet.
Quote from Jess
Nick: What's going on with the ticket?
Jess: She has a problem with me, Nick. Okay? She doesn't like me.
Nick: What are you talking about?
Jess: You don't understand, 'cause you're a guy.
Nick: She does not have a problem with you. She's just...
Jess: Nick, your girlfriend's not a dessert person. [leaves him with the cupcakes]
Quote from Cece
Cece: Nick, where is this bitch? Gonna smack that lawyer learning right out of her mouth.
Nick: Okay, this is getting excessive, guys. She's actually helping her get out of a ticket.
Sadie: By being condescending and judgmental?
Nick: What did she say?
Cece: Ugh, just drop it, Nick.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Warning! Spoiler alert. Somebody unplugged my dehumidifier to plug in their flatiron. I will be putting my dehumidifier, and my towel, in my room, where nothing ever gets wet.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: Barkeep. Get this man a drink. Ladies, he hasn't had sex in four months. Come and get it, ladies.
Winston: I seriously hate you, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Why?
Quote from Winston
Shelby: Winston, what are you doing?
Winston: Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. I have come here to listen to you. Should I have interrupted you to tell you that? Probably not. So how... how are you? Tell me about your life, and how is everything?
Shelby: Winston, what am I supposed to do? I was a booty call for two years, and then I was nothing for two years. You show up bragging after all this time like nothing has changed. What do you want me to think?
Winston: That I'm an idiot. And you know what? You're right, and I'm sorry. It's just that since I've stopped playing ball, I realize I'm not that good at this. And, quite frankly, you are way out of my league. That is clear now. But... I do hope this is not the last time I see you, but whatever you want, I'm cool with.
Shelby: I got to get back to work.
Winston: Yeah. Yeah, I'll help you. [wipes counter] See?
Shelby: I'm the manager.
Winston: Oh, you're the manager?
Shelby: Yeah.
Winston: Wow, that's amazing.
Shelby: It's okay.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Oh. Hi. You didn't have to come. I'm sure you're very busy.
Julia: I said that I would be here, so I'm here. Don't worry. I think I can handle it. Let's just get this over with so we can get out of here.
Jess: [high-pitched] Your Honor. [clears throat] [huskily:] Your Honor. [normally] Your Honor. These are the facts, Your Honor. [sings] Your Honor.
Quote from Jess
Julia: You just have to enter the plea yourself, all right, and then I'll do the rest.
Jess: Okay, okay. I got it, all right?
Julia: So you know, all you have to do is say...
Jess: I got it! Thank you.
Julia: Okay. Okay.
Judge: How do you plead?
Jess: Guilty.
Julia: What?
Judge: Great. Pay your fine upstairs.
Quote from Jess
Julia: I mean, growing up was brutal. I went to an all-girls school.
Cece: The worst ... girls can be so mean to each other.
Jess: Yeah, Cece and I hid in the bathroom for four years.
Julia: This is... this is really nice, guys. Thank you for letting me join in. It's totally relaxing. Except that I don't know why, if I put the fox through the cave, it doesn't... the yarn is broken. I don't know why this is not turning into...
Jess: What you making?
Julia: A hat.
Jess: If you're making a hat for a baby, it is done.
Julia: Yeah.