Jess: All right, now remember, Jeff Day is a lovable schnook, who makes sausage in his spare time. You work for the phone company, so you call the phones "units." All right, what's my back story?
Nick: Units, that's good. Uh, you're my wife. You spend all day making sausages, and clucking with the other hens on the kitchen unit.
Jess: No, no. I'm a disgraced ice-skating sensation. I got ex-communicated from the sport for protesting that nudie fabric. And then I broke my butt.
Nick: Right, and which toe is webbed?
Jess: Ugh, Nick, that's real life. Ugh. This is gonna be a disaster. Abort, abort.

Billy: Here's your water, and... take as many mouse pads as you want.
Nick: Quit stalling me.
Billy: Smart.
Nick: Tell me about the secret stash, Billy.
Billy: These vehicles are a lot bigger than what you were e-mailing about.
Nick: Well, a car can never be too big, and a pot can never be too sweet. [Jess mouths to Nick]
Billy: I hear ya, so I guess, don't waste your time with anything smaller than a two liter?
Nick: Two liter? I want a car, not a Mountain Dew. [all laughing]

Jess: [answers phone] Hey, I thought you were de-webbing.
Sam: Well, it took less time than I thought. Yeah, he only wanted his big toe free, so he could wear flip-flops. How's the new car?
Jess: Ugh! Don't make a thing out of it, but I had to ask Nick to be Jeff Day.
Sam: You asked Nick for help, not me?
Jess: Well, you were in surgery, and he was the only person I could find, but he's screwing it up so much that I really wish I'd "Reverse-Tootsie'd."
Sam: Of course he's screwing up. He's a little human porkchop. I'm on my way.
Jess: Wait, don't come. Don't come.
Sam: I could be Jeff Day. I just need to find a fake mustache.
Jess: What is it with you guys and mustaches?

Schmidt: Let them explain. Please explain.
Rhonda: We've already explained it. A simple prank is a strong prank.
Cece: Uh-huh.
Schmidt: Okay. Let's just say... I don't know, I told you that I cut my pinkie finger off, and then I actually cut my pinkie finger off.
Rhonda: Mm.
Schmidt: Is that a prank?
Cece: Is that a prank?
Winston: Well, I would not see that coming.

Schmidt: Okay. Different direction. Let-let's say that I-I told you that I invested all of my money into boogie boards.
Rhonda: That's just a lie.
Schmidt: And then I took you to my accountant's office, and sitting behind the desk was just a little crab in sunglasses.
Winston: Hmm, still sounds like a lie.
Schmidt: And then my real accountant came out and showed you the books and, in fact, I had invested all of money in boogie boards.
Rhonda: That's definitely a prank.
Winston: Yeah, that would get me.
Rhonda: That's-that's a good one.
Winston: That's crazy, yeah.

Sam: Hey, how ya doin'? I'm Jeff Day.
Jess: My brother. Geoff with a "G."
Sam: Yeah, I came as soon as I could.
Jess: I don't know why. I explicitly told you not to.
Nick: Yeah, why don't you take a hike? No one needs you here. The reason she came to me first.
Jess: Sorry, Billy. There's a little bit of bad blood between my brother and my husband.
Sam: She may have come to you for help, but you're clearly not getting the job done, which is why she'll always come back for my help.
Nick: As soon as you get a helping of my help, you're never the same.
Jess: No one helps me better than I help myself.
Sam: I told you if you'd just guide me.
Jess: Let's not get into that now.

Jess: If you insist on hating each other, do it while I'm not around. The moment I walk in the room, I want some convincing dude on dude friendship stuff. I want high-fives. I want golf tips. When a hot waitress walks by, I want to see a real nudge-nudge. Hubba, hubba.
Billy: Keep your hands on the wheel!

Nick: Sleep with both eyes open, you idiot.
Sam: It's one eye, you idiot.
Nick: Cut your chance in half, you idiot.
Sam: Idiot.

Winston: You know, actually, she's poppin' by later. You guys will get to meet her before the wedding.
Schmidt: Before the... she's coming to our wedding?
Winston: Yes.
Schmidt: Winston, you're gonna bring this flavor of the month to our wedding?
Winston: Well, I was...
Schmidt: She's gonna be in wedding photos? Are you kidding me? Oh, gather round, grandchildren. Look at Uncle Winston, and this woman who is not Willem Dafoe's assistant.
Cece: Well, I am excited to meet her. Can you tell us some basics? Her-her last name, her rank...
Winston: Yeah, I don't know any of that stuff. I've only been on two dates with her, so...
Schmidt: Two dates, how do we even know that she's fighting for our army?

Nick: Hey! Are we looking at the owner of a new used car?
Jess: No. [scoffs] I wish. Billy from Car County started playing misogynist bingo with me as soon as I walked in the door. He called me "dollface." Started pointing out all the room in the trunk for my shopping bags. Then, he explained four-wheel drive to me. I don't need four-wheel drive explained. It's very well named.
Nick: Like World Series of Poker champion, Chris Moneymaker. Continue, though.