Woman: Bride and groom?
Cece: No! No, I'm here with the Ninja Turtle!
Woman: Bride and Ninja Turtle. I don't get it.
Schmidt: I don't get it, either. Like she lost a bet or something.
Cece: What is wrong with you? Seriously!
Robby: It's okay, Cece.
Cece: No, it's not okay! You need to go home and change, Schmidt. I know you have more costumes in your closet.
Schmidt: Those costumes are for Purim. Purim's in March.
Cece: I don't care! You're doing this intentionally just to mess with me!

Jess: He came. He's not wearing a costume.
Nick: Yeah, but he came, so...
Sam: Hey.
Jess: Hey.
Sam: Oh, I got to sneeze. [puts on a red nose] I'm a clown for you. Just don't ask me to wear this in bed.
Jess: Okay.

Nick: Life as a doctor. Your phone must just be blowing up with life-saving texts, huh? "Don't die on me, Danny Boy! Use the paddles!"
Sam: No, it's a girl.
Nick: Oh, I thought Jess was working.
Sam: It's another girl. Just a weekend thing.
Nick: Does Jess know you're texting other girls?
Sam: Yeah. We're, like, totally honest with each other. You know? I mean, she wants a relationship less than I do. It's actually awesome.
Nick: Right. And you're coming over tonight, hmm? And she's going to talk to you.

Winston: Why aren't we having sex?
Ghoulish Nurse: [ghoulish moaning]
Shelby: Shut up, bitch.
Ghoulish Nurse: Sorry.
Winston: Shelby, this is not working. It's just not.
Shelby: I know.
Ghoulish Nurse: Oh, I get it. Reigning cats and dogs. It's funny. It is.

Nick: Oh, no! Jess! No! No! Jess! No! No, I'm her friend. Somebody help me! This is my nightmare!

Nick: I didn't punch a girl. I punched a horrifying monster. You of all people should know this, Frankenstein.
Frankenstein: You're the real monster.
Nick: Oh, give me a break.

Sam: Jess, are you okay?
Jess: Yeah. It's nothing. Nick just punched me in the face.
Sam: What?!
Nick: Oh, my God! No, it was an acc...
Sam: What is wrong with you?
Nick: Jess, I'm sorry!

Sam: All right, well, the bruise is going to heal, but I don't know what to do about the giant stitches. I mean, those are going to scar. And you're looking a little pale. What have you been eating?
Jess: Brains.
Sam: [gives Jess a lollipop] Habit.

Amelia: You punch a girl?
Nick: Yes, I did. Uh, I'm a coward. I'm scared of haunted houses. And I'm scared of you... I always have been.
Amelia: That's right. That is what I've been trying to remember. I was like, "Nick is great." Why didn't I realize it years ago?" And it's because you could not tell me how you felt.
Nick: So you always knew I liked you?
Amelia: You drove me home every Thanksgiving break. You lived in Chicago; I lived in Florida.
Nick: Well, I was trying to avoid the tolls. [Amelia chuckles]
Amelia: How do you feel about me now?
Nick: Great. Good.
Amelia: I can't believe that after all this time, you still can't be honest with me.
Nick: I'm sorry, all right? It's my fault. Okay, I fell in love with you the first time I saw you... that's crazy. I didn't even know you. It was just this idea of you. And then... it just wasn't what I thought. And what's up with the way you kiss? It's like reverse CPR. It's like you're... [Amelia slaps Nick]
Amelia: Hey. I'm not an idea of a person. I'm an actual person.

Schmidt: You know, I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln, but I witnessed the emancipation of one black guy tonight... from a terrible relationship. Come on.