Winston: I thought you were going to dress sexy.
Shelby: A sense of humor is sexy.
Winston: I don't want to date the queen of Cats and Dogs.
Shelby: Reigning cats and dogs.
Winston: Makes no sense. I don't see the queen of England running around with a cape and British people stapled to it.
Shelby: What?
Winston: When is the last time you heard somebody say, "Man, you know what's sexy? A woman with stuffed animals taped to her back." Look how good I look! Look how stylish I look.
Shelby: That's not sexy. I feel like I'm getting a speeding ticket.
Winston: Ooh! Shelby, you made me so mad, my mustache is coming off!
Shelby: Why do you have a mustache glued on top of your mustache.

Jess: Uh, so don't wait up, 'cause I'm going over to Sam's house to mix his batter. Oh, yeah.
Schmidt: Not in that costume.
Nick: I don't know. Costume kind of works for me. Kind of a sexy, undead driver's ed teacher. It's my sweet spot.

Jess: Sam doesn't care what I look like. 'Cause I'm not his girlfriend. And I'm gonna kick him to the curb once I've used his body like a moisturizer sample. Hey-yo!

Jess: Um, here's your wallet.
Sam: Oh, thank you.
Jess: You must have dropped it on our most recent trip to No Pants City. Just so you know, I didn't look in it. 'Cause I don't care and I respect your privacy.
Sam: Then how'd you know it was my wallet?
Jess: Well played, Sam Sweeny... Born in Boston, six-four. I didn't know you worked in the E.R. Until I got here, though.

Jess: You're a doctor for children.
Sam: It's, you know, mostly paperwork.
Jess: That why you have so many cute cards on the wall? "Dear Dr. Sam..." They call you Dr. Sam? "Thank you for making me better. I love you, and so does my bunny."
Sam: Nice kid, but she can't draw for crap. I mean, she just traced Bugs Bunny.
Jess: I didn't know you were a, like, caring person.
Sam: Same guy. Same guy. I'm the same guy that did you in that falafel restaurant, you remember? And a dirty one, at that.

Schmidt: I haven't worn these in years. Here you go.
Winston: Wow, Schmidt. You've got so many boots.
Schmidt: You know who doesn't have a lot of boots? Guys who aren't getting laid on the reg.
Winston: Ooh, trust me, I know. Shelby and I agreed that we're gonna dress sexy this Halloween, so... hopefully that'll make us want to have sex with each other.
Schmidt: You know, at night, I can actually feel gusts of frigid air coming from beneath your door.

Cece: A doctor?
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Cece: I had him pegged for a part-time tennis pro or an unemployed handsome guy.
Jess: He cares about people for a living; it's so much hotter.
Cece: You're starting to like him now.
Jess: No, no, no, we're just coworkers. On the night shift.

Winston: Hey. What, uh... What-what are you?
Shelby: I'm reigning cats and dogs! Get it? Reigning... cats and dogs.
Winston: Those stuffed animals are gonna look good on the floor of my bedroom.

Schmidt: Hey, Robby. Hey, look, I get it. Guy who shot John Lennon dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
Robby: No.
Schmidt: Cece, you're an angel, as always.
Cece: Get off my horse, Schmidt.
Robby: Hey, Lincoln, right? That's awes... You know, I was just thinking about Lincoln today.
Schmidt: Yeah, Robby, we all were.
Robby: This is kind of funny. The two of you together on that horse, you kind of look like a bride and a groom.
Cece: I will throw you off of this horse with my bare hands. I will.

Nick: What's wrong with me? I wanted this for so long with her, and now... it's just too much. You know?
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Nick: You want to know why I don't like haunted houses?
Jess: Why?
Nick: Because they're just like relationships. You walk in all confident, and then once you get in, it's not what you thought it was gonna be, and it's scary.
Jess: Nick, you've liked her for a long time. Go in the "haunted house."
Nick: I'm gonna go in the "haunted house."
Amelia: Ta-da! That's me, that's you, and that's our dog.
Nick: I look so scared.