Jess: Does your hair always look like that?
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: Do you have brown hair?
Nick: Definitely.
Jess: Why didn't you tell me?
Nick: It's a secret. [both laughing]

Nick: Check this out. I'm gonna birth this book. [Jess laughs] [Nick groans] Here you go. It's a baby book.
Jess: Oh. [imitates baby cooing] Congratulations! It's a paperback!

Reagan: Sorry that took so long. I got stuck behind this, uh, lady at the craft store that was buying 700 individually-priced buttons. [to Jess] Oh, they said to say hi to you.
Jess: Hi.

Reagan: Is this the glue?
Jess: It comes from my private collection. It's very strong.
Reagan: You guys are so high.
Nick: How dare you.
Jess: How dare you.
Nick: I'm not high at all.
Reagan: You're high.

Reagan: You guys, this says to use this in an open field. It specifically says that a backyard is too small.
Jess: You're a backyard.
Nick: Very good.
Jess: [inhaling loudly]

Reagan: I think I should cancel this reading.
Nick: No way! I am in. I feel great for the reading. Let me just buckle up my shirt. Well, the problem with this author shirt is that it's made of honey.
Reagan: It's not...
Nick: This shirt is too sticky.
Reagan: It's because there's glue on your...
Nick: 'Cause it's made of honey, so...

Schmidt: Wait. Aly, Aly, please don't leave. She belongs in a mental hospital!
Cece: What?!
Aly: I know what's happening. You guys are trying to distract me from some weird thing Winston's planning.
Cece: Uh, no. Aly, no.
Aly: Possibly a prank? Might be a zotz, a goof. If it's prank, please tell him I wore bad underwear today. Please.
Schmidt: Prank Sinatra strikes again.
Cece: It's a prank, it's a prank.

Nick: The good news is I'm feeling sober. The bad news is maybe I'm too sober.
Jess: Yeah. I'm sobered up, too.
Nick: Great.
Jess: Why are my eyes so good? I can read everything from here.
Nick: What does that mean?
Jess: [opens pop-up book] Oh, my God. A secret world.
Nick: Okay. I don't think she's sober at all.

Nick: What a wonderful day. Quick reminder: We are dying. [gives Reagan a thumbs up] I wrote this, every word. All of that. My hard work, not yours. It's not a competition. If everybody could stop looking at me, that'd be really great. If you guys wouldn't mind just closing your eyes, as if you were at some sort of a show where you were asked to close your eyes.
Man: What?
Nick: Thank you. Do you mind looking down, sir?
Reagan: [whispering] Nick.
Nick: All of these are for sale. [walks off] What's that? Yeah... coming.
Man: Is that it?
Host: Um...
Nick: Don't worry about me, I live here now.

Reagan: All right, what are we gonna do? What's the plan?
Jess: Well, it helps if you feed him something first. Do you have any meat? Or nuts?
Reagan: Why would I have come to the bookstore with meat and nuts in my purse?
Jess: Okay. Caramels.
Reagan: I don't have that.