Reagan: I am never gonna figure him out. I feel like I found a forest baby, and I don't know when it's hungry or in pain or afraid of the kitchen light.
Jess: I know. [chuckles] Nick is just an enigma wrapped up in a bunch of Chicago Bears crap. You need the help of a seasoned vet.

Schmidt: So many marital problems we have. My baby's got a real sweet tooth. Just the other day, she ate an entire sleeve of pecan sandies and punched the top right off of a parking meter. It was the craziest thing I've ever seen. [Cece clears her throat] She yells at me constantly and... There's one time where she tipped over a table.
Cece: He gambled away another paycheck.
Aly: Oh, no!
Schmidt: It's the ponies. I'm addicted.
Aly: Right, right, right.
Cece: It's true. All the money that he wins on gambling, he puts up his nose.
Schmidt: Oh.
Aly: It's cocaine now, as well.
Schmidt: Love me the ca-caine. Feel invisible when I do it.
Aly: This feels like some sort of weird foreplay. I'm out of here.

Cece: Little Winnie is growing up. First he's a husband and then maybe one day he could be a father...
Winston: One day? [chuckles] I am a father.
Schmidt: It's a cat, Winston.
Winston: He's my blood.