Schmidt: Cece. [singsongy] I'm not wearing any pants. [whispering] Honey.
Jess: [screams]
Schmidt: Oh, no! Oh, no! I touched one of your breasts! Where is my wife?!
Jess: I can never be the same! [both panting] Let's just move on.
Schmidt: I'm fine. No, it's fine.

Nick: I don't love this couch. Did you take the tags off already?
Schmidt: It's the perfect couch. What are you doing here?
Nick: Well, I need to talk to you and my phone's only at five percent.
Schmidt: Well, why didn't you...
Nick: I can't find the charger.
Schmidt: It's under Winston's pillow.
Nick: I looked in Winston's room.
Schmidt: Did you look under the pillow?
Nick: Yeah, yeah. I... yeah. I went in there. I...
Schmidt: No, you didn't.
Nick: I didn't look in Winston's room, but I need to talk to you.

Schmidt: Jess, this is very stressful.
Jess: I know. Look, tomorrow, you need to go to that meeting with Nick and you need to stay with him until I'm packed.
Cece: Whoa, whoa, whoa, packed?
Jess: I just army-crawled across your entire house to get away from my ex-boyfriend... who I still live with. I-I-I can't do this anymore. I need, I need to get out of here and get some space. I'm moving out of the loft.

Merle Streep: Ready to come in and talk?
Schmidt: Hello. I'm, uh, Winston Schmidt, Nick's associate. That's right. Children's literature just got a brand-new daddy.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: Children's literature just got a brand-new daddy.
Merle Streep: Don't say that here anymore, okay? Thank you.

Cece: Wait, is this all you have packed? I mean, Nick's gonna be here in two hours.
Jess: I know.
Cece: Hey. You know what? If this is too hard right now, you don't have to do this. Just give yourself some time and think it through.
Jess: If my stuff is here, I'll just end up living here again. You know me; I live where my stuff lives.

Cece: All right. Well, if we're gonna do this, then we better get moving.
Jess: Yep. My God, I'm gonna miss you so much.
Cece: I'm gonna miss you so much, too.
Jess: But it's just one summer. It's fine.
Cece: Okay, I know, but I'm just gonna miss you.
Jess: Me, too. This is dumb!
Cece: It's one summer.
Jess: It's one summer.
Cece: It's fine. We can get through one summer.
Jess: It's fine. I'm gonna miss you, like, day-to-day.
Cece: Who am I gonna talk to every day?

Jess: Look, I'm just going to Portland for the summer to get away.
Winston: Sure. You go to Portland, have a fun summer, but then what about after that? Huh? When will we see you? Who will your friends be? Who you gonna hang out with? Okay, think about the people you are leaving behind. Also, side note, Aly has my dad's number!
Aly: Okay.
Jess: Wait, what?
Aly: I got his dad's number.
Winston: My dad's name is Van, by the way.
Jess: Oh, my God, Winston, that's a huge deal!
Winston: Yeah. Yeah.
Jess: Are you gonna call him?
Winston: No. I can't call my dad. I just can't.

Cece: So I am double-parked, so if you got any boxes I can take down to the car. What's up? Why are you so happy?
Jess: I just love boxes so much.
Cece: Can I have one to take to the car?
Jess: It's heavy.
Cece: I'm fine. Oh, okay. We can go together. That's fine. I-I like quality time. [phone ringing]
Jess: Oh, you should go get your phone.
Cece: No, no, no. Let's just get this box down. Hey, can someone grab my phone?
Jess: What if it's about your booming model business?

Aly: [answers phone] Hello?
Sadie: Cece, you're pregnant!
Aly: Oh, my God, Cece's pregnant!
Sadie: Who the hell is this?
Winston: Cece's pregnant?
Aly: Sorry. I-I'm Aly, Winston's fiancée.
Winston: Cece is pregnant?
Sadie: Winston's married to Cece.
Aly: Winston Bishop.
Winston: Cece's pregnant. Cece's pregnant. Oh, my God, Cece's pregnant, everybody!
Sadie: Oh, my God.
Aly: [Winston laughs] No need to yell.
Sadie: Tell Cece to call me. Got to head back down in the mine.

Winston: [on the phone] Oh, my God, Schmidt. Why didn't you tell me you were gonna be a papa?
Jess: No, no, no, no.
Schmidt: What do you mean, "papa"? What are you talking about?
Jess: Pull the plug.
Winston: Sadie told Aly that Cece is pregnant.
Jess: Pull the... pull the plug.
Schmidt: What? Why would she do that?
Winston: 'Cause she pregnant.
Jess: Winston, he doesn't know.
Winston: Oh, oh, oh, no... Ah... No... I messed up just now.
Schmidt: W-Winston.
Winston: You weren't supposed to know that, so don't know that.