Douchey Guy: Okay, here's something. Get on a plane with me. While you think about it, put this on my card. It's the black one.
Buster: Wow. That just happened. You think maybe we should take his card and buy him a new shirt? I'm scared he'd want to change it in front of us.
Cece: I'm Cece.
Buster: Hi, Cece. I'm Buster.
Cece: I really hope that's a nickname.
Buster: No, it's not a nickname.
Cece: It's your real name?
Buster: I was bullied pretty bad.
Cece: Hi, Buster.

Mike: All right, hold on. I've got quite an eye for young boys.
Cece: Oh, God.
Mike: That's right, I said it. It's not a typo. Let's see some I.D. God, you're handsome.
Cece: I'm sorry.
Mike: Wyoming! Look at that.
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Mike: Wyoming. So you're one of the three people from Wyoming.
Buster: Yeah. Cowboy state, big sky country, home of the Liberty Bell.
Mike: Bull snatch. That's an awful accent. What is your real accent? Are you Australian or from Heaven? How old are you, for real?
Cece: Leave him alone.
Mike: Don't bull-snatch a bull-snatcher.
Cece: Leave him alone. You're over 21, right?
Buster: I'm not. Um... I'm 20.
Mike: Get out of here, you delicious bastard.
Buster: Can I get my I.D. back?
Mike: No, of course not, you can't. It'd be against the law, you wonderful creature.
Buster: Nice to meet you, Cece.
Mike: Good God, you look nice. Nothing irks me like underage drinking. It's stupid, it's dangerous, it's irresponsible. God, I want to have sex with that kid so bad, it's freaking me out! Oh. I'm real tingly.

Dr. Foster: We need to fire people.
Jess: What?
Dr. Foster: And when I say "we," I mean you. Start with the most recent hires.
Jess: Well, we have, um Janet from the history department.
Dr. Foster: [exhales] Human garbage.
Jess: Okay. Ernie, uh...
Dr. Foster: Ah, yeah.
Jess: No. That's Coach. No. No. No. No, he's very good at his job.
Dr. Foster: Last one in, first one out. You know how this works.
Jess: That's just wrong.
Dr. Foster: This is the job, Ms. Day.
Jess: He's my friend. I can't. No. I'm not doing it. I'm not firing Coach.
Dr. Foster: This is the job, Ms. Day. Do you want it or not?

Jess: Morning, Winston. [Winston is silent] Are you not talking to me? Look, I had to fire Coach for my job. I didn't want to. Don't squint at me. Don't do that. I did it for my job. It wasn't my choice.

Nick: Shall we get into this, or just take our pants off? [Nick laughs briefly]
Schmidt: Ask him a question.
Nick: Let me- Let me do my thing.
Schmidt: Do your thing.
Nick: Mr. Baker.
Tim: Yes?
Nick: What's your home address?
Tim: 522 Dugan Court Terrace.
Nick: Okay. Uh, no... No further questions.

Jess: Ahh Screw this! Because you told me to go after what I wanted, and this is not what I wanted. Let's go! We're gonna get you to that game!
Coach: It's okay. They're playing Pasadena. They don't stand a chance. Pasadena has a bunch of bitch-ass tricks. Weren't raised right.
Jess: Hey, what do you want?
Coach: I don't know. I want to be there.
Jess: So, spike that ball! [slaps bottle away]
Coach: That was not a ball. That was beer.
Jess: I know. I feel really bad about it.
Coach: You know what? Don't feel bad! Let's go!
Jess: Let's go! You got me all fired up! I think you're gonna have to drive.

Nick: You are not taking that settlement.
Schmidt: Well, Nick, at least if it's $20,000, I can get out of that hole some day.
Nick: I've got a plan. You just have to give me a chance. Can you believe in me? All right, I believe in you.
Schmidt: Deal.
Nick: Deal.
Schmidt: What's the plan?
Nick: Oh, I'm not telling you. You're gonna get too mad. Let's go.
Schmidt: Nick, I take it back! I don't I don't believe in you!

Jess: Go get 'em, Coach.
Coach: All right, listen up, you no-talent, idiot babies! Give me that. Give me that. Give me that. Give me that.
Biology Teacher: Oh, thank God. [hands over whistle]
Coach: Bring it in. Come on. All right, now, who is gonna win this match?!
Kids: Coolidge!
Coach: Who's number one?
Kids: Coolidge!
Coach: Let me hear it! Who are we?
Kids: Coolidge!
Rakim: Rakim!
Coach: Really, Rakim? Like I just walked you right up to it, and you're gonna... We're gonna talk.
Rakim: Coolidge!
Coach: Too late, man. It's too late. All right, guys, get out there and make me proud!

Dr. Foster: Ms. Day? What? What is going on? I thought you fired Coach.
Jess: Look, Coach loves the kids, and the kids love him. I want this job, but I'm not going to do it your way. I'm not going to let our best people go.
Dr. Foster: You were the one who told me, we have no money.
Jess: Yeah, but we can make it up in other ways, we can be creative. We can rent out the multipurpose room after school to local clubs.
Dr. Foster: And where will the orchestra practice? Did you ever consider that, Ms. Day? Or were you too busy buying a ladies bike?
Jess: What?
Susan: They can use the library. No one goes in there anyway.
Biology Teacher: Yeah, let's burn the books! Except for The Da Vinci Code.
Jess: Well, that took a weird turn, but... Thank you, Susan. That-that's so nice. What a great solution.

Dr. Foster: I guess we can figure out some way to keep him here. God, you frost my cookies.
Jess: Thank you.