Schmidt: You taking up tennis?
Nick: No, it's fly swatter.
Schmidt: I want to see it work.
Nick: Well, we need a fly. I've been waiting whole morning. [Schmidt claps his hands] Did you honestly just kill one?

Jess: Come on, Coach! Let's hustle! I got Coach a job at the school, and it's his first day.
Coach: I don't like kids, I don't like teaching, I just like paychecks.
Jess: Well, I think you're gonna love it.
Coach: I don't think I'm gonna love it.

Tim: Are you guys open?
Schmidt: Oh, this actually It's not a store.
Tim: Oh. That's too bad. I really like that lamp.
Schmidt: You like- You like the lamp? I'm sorry. You know what, it just- It's just that it doesn't- It doesn't feel like a store yet is what I meant to say.
Tim: Piano player is a nice touch.
Schmidt: Aw, thank you very much. He's lovely, isn't he? Pl-please look around. Feel free. The lamp is 100% full price. Uh, pretty much everything's 100% full price.

Jess: I'm just hoping, you know, in a few years I'll have enough experience that Dr. Foster will consider me for vice principal.
Coach: Why don't you just ask him for it?
Jess: You can't just ask for a promotion. You know. You have to earn the promotion with years of good work. [Coach laughs] What's funny?
Coach: Uh, how's that working out for you, Jess?

Coach: Do you see this volleyball? It won't get over the net just because you want it to and you hope someone will notice that you want it to.
Jess: Okay.
Coach: I'm gonna ask you one more time: What... do you... want?
Jess: Um, I want to be vice principal.
Coach: All right. Then spike that ball, Jess.

Schmidt: I guess I have no choice. You can be my lawyer, Nick.
Nick: I won't do it.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: I value myself too great for that. If you want me to be your lawyer, if you want to win this case, you must start with the word "please." And I'll need a symbolic five-dollar retainer.
Schmidt: Four dollars.
Nick: Skin it. Let's do it.

Jess: Dr. Foster, I am young, I'm energetic and I think it's about time you take advantage of me!
Dr. Foster: Well, this is a little awkward. I'm, uh I'm exclusively into Asian women. It's really a Kristi Yamaguchi thing. After Lillehammer...
Jess: I really meant professionally. I want you to take advantage of me like that.
Dr. Foster: Sorry.
Jess: It's a professional thing.
Dr. Foster: Okay. Sorry.
Jess: I want to be vice principal. Frank retired, you need someone. I deserve it. I bust my ass for this school.
Dr. Foster: You've got it. The job is yours.
Jess: It is?
Dr. Foster: Oh, my God, are you kidding? I thought I was gonna have to force somebody into it. This is so much easier.

Jess: I got the job.
Coach: Yeah.
Jess: I spiked the ball.
Coach: Time to celebrate.
Jess: No! No! I'm not doing that! No!
Coach: We got to celebrate! Celebrate! Let me pour it on your face and your clothes and your hair!

Nick: Winston, you're my plaintiff.
Winston: Done deal. Okay. [clears throat] Hi, my name is Tim Baker. I live at 522 Dugan Court Terrace.
Nick: Okay, Mr. Baker, how long have you been a chef?
Winston: I don't have to answer that.
Nick: You actually do though, Winston. Doesn't he?
Schmidt: You ask- Why you asking me, man?
Nick: No, I'm not. I'm... Yeah.
Schmidt: You're the lawyer.

Nick: How long you been a chef?
Winston: I already answered that during background.
Nick: What in the hell? You did background without me? Why wasn't I invited for background? You have to answer it! How long you been a chef?!
Schmidt: You're fired!
Nick: Give me another chance. [puts arm up to wrestle]
Schmidt: No!