Nick: What you're doing is illegal. You can't say this is a store.
Schmidt: I'm not taking advice from you. You pronounce the "G" in "lasagna."
Nick: Lasag-na.

Coach: That's what I'm gonna miss. Those little those little bastards. Little Ronnie. Ronnie's so clumsy and slow.
Jess: Yeah.
Coach: Thomas. I mean, he's strong, but that boy is a classic middle child. He's just looking for love, up, back and sideways. And Maurice. [voice breaking] He always makes a mess whenever he eats a Popsicle. It's, like, dude, stop sucking your Popsicle like that, man. You're never gonna get a girlfriend like that. [Jess sobs] And then there's Hunter.
Jess: God
Coach: Fat... cross-eyed... clod-hopping Hunter.
Jess: Hunter is the sweetest little idiot there ever was.
Coach: [wailing] He's so sweet! He's so sweet! Ahh...

Bill Berklan: Your representation running late?
Schmidt: Uh, no. Actually, I'll be representing myself today.
Nick: [enters] Sorry we're late.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: This building is a total mess. Nick Miller of, uh, Cooper, Bishop and Furguson. As you know, my boss and senior partner, Mr. Winston Furguson.
Winston: Gentlemen, pleased to be with you. Please, please don't get up, don't get up. I-I insist. Madam Secretary.

Schmidt: Thanks for helping me move my stuff, you guys.
Winston: [sings] Lots of hairy boxes...
Schmidt: God, I've fallen. Almost below you now, Nick. Fellow passengers, stuck in the caboose of life.
Nick: You think I'm in the caboose of life?
Schmidt: You love it in the caboose, not me. It hurts. It's actually quite jarring.
Winston: [sings] Loves it in the caboose.
Nick: I don't love it in the caboose.
Winston: Yes, he does.

Biology Teacher: Hey. I was looking for you. You weren't in my car. Internet's down.
Jess: Okay, um, well, I rebooted the router. You're actually on the wrong IP address, so... There you go. Ooh. You know I can see everything that you search for, right?
Biology Teacher: I'm a biology teacher. It's all research. [exits]
Coach: Fixing computers and stuff now?
Jess: I'm just taking on a little extra responsibility around here, just getting stuff done that needs doing.
[flashback to Jess on a ride-in lawnmower]
[flashback to Jess painting the corridor:]
Jess: Graffiti's wrong, kids. Don't do it. I love corn on the cob, too, but I'm not gonna paint it all over the walls.

Schmidt: What am I supposed to do in this situation, represent myself like some nut job?
Winston: Nick could be your lawyer.
Schmidt: This Nick? Vivica A. Dropout?
Nick: First of all, I don't want to be involved, but thank you, Courtroom Brown. And second of all, I passed the bar, which means I can practice in the state of California.
Schmidt: Oh, Nick, you would be the worst in the whole entire world. No offense. I love you, dawg.
Nick: I could be your lawyer easy. You don't forget how to be a lawyer. It's like riding a bike.
[flashback to Nick struggling to ride a bike:]
Nick: They've changed these!
[present:]
Nick: Fine. I forgot how to ride a bike. But I'm not gonna forget how to be a lawyer.

Nick: Yeah. Uh, looks standard. Yeah. You're definitely being sued. Uh, your deposition is tomorrow.
Schmidt: What- What do we do now? Do we prep for the plaintiff?
Nick: I don't like prepping. It makes me feel nervous. I feel boxed in. And I'm very quick on my, uh...
Schmidt: Sure. Did you just forget the word "feet"?
Nick: Feet. Yeah.

Jess: We have talk about the budget.
Dr. Foster: There's a problem with the budget? But it's due Monday.
Jess: Yeah.
Dr. Foster: Do we have too much money?
Jess: No.

Nick: Schmidt fired me, and now I'll never get to use this briefcase I just bought, and it was $19!
Jess: I think my thing is a little bit more-
Nick: Do you think I'm sexier when I hold it or when it's down? 'Cause I think it's kind of sexier when I hold it, like this.
Jess: Not really.
Nick: Do I look like a man of power? Imagine this: It's, like, a rainy day, I'm on the streets of New York. [whistles] Hey! Stop that cab! I'm a businessman. I'm late to an important meeting. I honestly feel like I would've been so good at this.
Jess: You don't want to be a lawyer. Why do you care whether Schmidt fired you or not?
Nick: I spent all those years at law school with those preppy dicks and I never got to prove them wrong, Jess.
Jess: Okay, go after what you want. Just make sure that what you want doesn't make you a cog on the wheel of a larger, flawed system.
Nick: Stop it. Shut your mouth. 'Cause what you're saying is beautiful. I'm gonna go put on my power suit. High and loud, girl. Whoo!

Winston: Hey, what's going on, guys? Ooh! Ah!
Schmidt: Walk with dignity, you giant toddler.
Winston: Come on, Schmidt, you got to get this stuff out of here, man.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, I can't afford storage. All my money's tied up in the storefront I leased for Jess' sister.
Nick: So why don't you put your junk in the storefront, Schmidt?
Schmidt: You really want me to put an Ian Schrager rug in a room without climate control?
Nick: What? Oh, he was the guy in Star Wars. Medium talent.