Jess: So how'd it go?
Nick: We gabbed like a couple of washer women over the back fence.
Jess: That's great. So proud of you.
Caroline: You two are dating? I knew it. I knew it was her!
Jess: What? You didn't tell her we were together?!
Nick: I told her we were together. I'm not getting away with this. I didn't tell her.
Caroline: Screw you, Miller!

Nick: Can I see?
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: "Hey, babe". Don't call him "babe."
Jess: It's just what we call each other.
Nick: "BF problems"?
Jess: My boyfriend is having problems.
Nick: XOXO?
Jess: It's a really common greeting.
Nick: "Kissing you, hugging you, kissing you, hugging you"?
Jess: What else am I gonna write? "O-O-O"? That just looks like "Oh".

Nick: Oh, this is terrible! She's quoting scriptures, but using tons of cuss words. This is as bad as it gets with Caroline.
Jess: Okay. Berkley's around the corner at his baby's world music class.
Nick: Okay, you know what? I'm in.
Jess: Great.
Nick: What kind of beer does Berkley like?
Jess: He doesn't.
Nick: Oh, great. I cannot wait to meet him.

Schmidt: I even made you guys keys.
Winston: What?
Schmidt: Check these out. That one's yours.
Winston: Aw, it looks like a guitar.
Schmidt: Yeah, that's 'cause you're rocking.
Coach: Mine's a It's a rainbow kissing a star.
Schmidt: You like it?
Coach: Blah! Yeah.

Jess: So, did the store have that, uh, bamboo highchair you were looking for?
Berkley: No, not the one I wanted. So I think I'm just gonna...
Both: Order it online.
Berkley: You still got it.
Nick: Big deal, I've been online, too. I still got it.
Berkley: It's different.

Jess: So, this is the problem. Nick didn't tell his ex that we were together, and she found out, and now she's really, really upset.
Nick: This is the scariest one yet. It's just a bunch of smiley faces.
Berkley: Okay, um, not to be all guy with a baby, but, uh, exes are really a lot like newborns, okay? The burps can be so yucky, but you know what comes after a burp?
Jess: What?
Berkley: A big old smile.
Jess: Aw.
Nick: What the hell are you talking about?
Jess: It was a metaphor, Nick.

Berkley: Okay, here's the deal. I've been wanting to end things with Claire for years now. And I'm gonna do it. It's gonna take one phone call.
Jess: What?
Berkley: She's gonna burn all my clothes on the lawn. I don't care. I only want to wear Henleys anyways. Jess, we can finally be together.
Jess: What?! Wait, no, but leave your wife?!
Berkley: For you. I'm gonna leave my wife for you.
Jess: Wait, what?

Berkley: "Thank you for being so incredible." "So lucky to have you in my life"? Jess. When you said those words, I knew.
Jess: No. Berkley, there's been a fundamental misunderstanding here.
Berkley: You know the last time Claire thanked me for anything? It was when I was pulling out her chair at our wedding.
Jess: No.
Berkley: She doesn't appreciate me like you do.
Jess: No, it's not happening. No, no... [pulls on sink hose] Aah! Damn it, Winston! Oh, God. Pretend this is attached, and there's water coming out.
Berkley: No, not like that.
Jess: It's not sexual! No! I'm not feeding you water!
Berkley: Wet my mouth.
Jess: No.

Jess: Where is this coming from?
Berkley: You. The phone calls, the texts, "Boyfriend problems," "I need you," hugs, kisses.
Jess: What?
Berkley: More hugs, more kisses.
Jess: I-
Berkley: You have been setting up dominoes for ten years. And now they are falling.
Jess: You have a baby, sir!
Berkley: I know. And you are gonna make such a good stepmom. I love you, Jessica. God, it feels good to say that out loud and not just to my sleeping wife.

Nick: [shouting out the window] Caroline! Hey!
Caroline: You cheat on me and then you want to be friends?!
Nick: I'm just writing you an e-mail! It's-it's not sending! Look, gonna throw it down, but I need my phone back!