Leslie: Who the hell are you?
Sarah: Who the hell are you?
Leslie: Schmidt.
Coach: What?
Leslie: Frank Scabopolis is up in here making out with some bitch.
Schmidt: That's not necessary. I mean...
Sarah: Who's Frank Scabopolis? Aren't you Schmidt?!
Schmidt: I-I am Schmidt.
Leslie: I thought you were Schmidt.
Coach: I am Schmidt. Uh, w-we're brothers.
Schmidt: We are, we're-we're brothers. What an upbringing that was.
Coach: Yeah, same mom, different dads. One browner.
Leslie: Then who the hell is Frank Scabopolis?
Sarah: Yeah.
Winston: [enters] I am Frank Scabopolis! [quietly] Is this helping, Schmidt? I forgot the plan.
Schmidt: Winston, please shut up.

Coach: You could use that for something.
Schmidt: That's the "Glass Menagerie."
Coach: Yeah.
Schmidt: I'll sit her down right on top of that.
Coach: Oh, absolutely.
Schmidt: The, uh, "Star 68."
Coach: Where's that at?
Schmidt: Right there on that pillow.
Coach: Oh. Wow.
Schmidt: The "Jumanji."
Coach: Yeah, you do the the "U Lock" on here. That'd be cool.
Schmidt: The "Jean-Michel Basquiat."
Winston: Oh, okay.
Schmidt: The "Fabric Softener." That's the "Kansas City Shaker."
Coach: This, right here? I like that.
Schmidt: Yeah. Back there, that's the "Nia Vardalos."
Winston: Ooh. Nice.
Coach: That's nice, dude.
Schmidt: That one's "sex on the Rug," which is and, again, it's pretty obvious. But that's you know, why mess with a classic?

Nick: This is why I buy my food from gas stations, Jess.
Jess: Nick, you knocked over a wheelbarrow full of fruit, and then you actually skipped away.

Winston: Guys, I'm trying to concentrate, okay? The LAPD does not offer entrance exams every single day. Just Mondays and Fridays. But I am not waiting till Friday.

Winston: Hey, why do you have so much fruit?
Jess: Because this one ran into his ex-girlfriend at the farmer's market.
[flashback:]
Caroline: Nick?
Nick: Hey! No way! Caroline of my past. What a pleasant surprise. My ex-lover... [falls over] No!
[present:]
Nick: I don't deal with exes. They're part of the past. You burn 'em swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon.

Jess: I'm really good friends with Berkley, and we had a terrible breakup... Come on, what?
Nick: You have a good relationship with him because he wants to bone you.
Jess: He's a stay-at-home dad. His entire life revolves around his family. He's the most emotionally evolved person I know.
Nick: And I'm sure his favorite emotion is the emotion of wanting to bone you.
Jess: That's not an emotion.
Nick: Possible sex is the only reason people stay "friends" with their exes.

Coach: Hey, guys.
Jess: I bet Coach is friends with his exes.
Nick: No.
Coach: Oh, for sure, yeah.
Jess: Yeah! I'm right!
Coach: For sex.
Jess: No!
Nick: Ha-ha! I'm right!
Coach: Can't spell "sex" without the "ex."
Nick: Man, is that sexy when he does that.

Schmidt: Hey. [clears throat] Hey... [clears throat] Sorry about that. Haven't spoken anybody all day. Phlegm buildup, you know? I've been cooped up all day in my loft apartment. So much space for one person, you know? You could scream in there, nobody would ever hear you.
Woman: I'm gonna go.
Schmidt: Bye.

Schmidt: I guess my game could be upped if I increased my my human contact a little bit.
Cece: Good. Because you're caressing your own arm right now.
Schmidt: Hmm.
Cece: That's not normal, man.
Schmidt: I've been working out. It feels... I don't...

Caroline: I just want to know why you walked out. Was there something else going on? Was there someone else?
Nick: Can I just say, I really wish this coffee was a giant beer. And I wish this scone was a-a whiskey and I could just drink one just chase 'em. This is nice. Glad we're doing this.