Jess: Sadie, um, hey. Uh, I just, I just want you to know that I am, um, I'm like ... I am okay with whatever you tell me. I'm just like, if you say you've got a year, that's fine. If you say, like, "You can have kids till you're 80," that's fine, too. If you say, "You are barren," um, I'm, I'm okay with that, too. Um, just, why am I the only one talking? Just lay it on me. What's inside my body?
Sadie: Everything looks good, Jess. Your hormone levels are outstanding.
Jess: What?
Sadie: Actually these are off the charts for someone your age. I mean, I don't know how you're walking around with this many eggs.
Jess: [sings] I'm the egg queen I'm queen of the eggs.

Jess: Cece. Cece. Cece, wait, do you want to talk?
Cece: Jess, you don't get it. Sadie basically just told me that if I want to have a kid, I've got to start right now. Right now. I thought I had all of this time. I didn't want to have to think about this.
Jess: I know, I know, I'm sorry. I made you take the test. What can I do?
Cece: Make me a guy so I don't have to worry about this.
Jess: You know what? Yes. Yeah, let's be guys just for today. Let's, let's care about stupid things, talk about sharks and sci-fi movies and making everything wireless. "Dude, my phone is wireless, my computer is wireless. Everything's wireless, yeah."
Cece: You're a terrible guy.
Jess: "Come on." No, I'm the best guy. Come on, come on.

Schmidt: All right. Okay, how was that?
Emma: Eh.
Schmidt: Why, though, with the "eh"? Unbelie ... but I played out your most secret fantasy: French maid handyman does...
Emma: Studio 54...
Schmidt: Studio 54 busboy.
Emma: I know, it's disappointing.
Schmidt: I thought I killed it.
Emma: And I picked you at work because I heard you were amazing in bed.
Schmidt: I ... no, no, no, I am, okay, I know that I am. I have it on good authority from my model ex-girlfriend and an actual lesbian gynecologist that I know exactly what I'm doing, so it's got to be you.

Emma: It's us ... this doesn't work. When I got divorced I-I, I thought I could go out there and have all these new experiences, the contract of sex with someone at work who's so far beneath me, you know, someone basically just powerless. I guess I have to feel something.
Schmidt: Okay, see, I'm not like that. I don't even understand that concept. My ex-girlfriend the model ... she's a model.
Emma: I know she's a model.
Schmidt: We'd have sex, and it was just like, I was happy, you know, I, I... We were connected, I wasn't thinking about anything. What is that?
Emma: That is love, you idiot. That's love.
Schmidt: Yuck.
Emma: It sucks.
Schmidt: So, what, do I have to, I have to, like, be in love now to have good sex?

Emma: Think about me ... I got to go out in the world and meet people, date.
Schmidt: You're going to be great.
Emma: You think?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Emma: Consider our sex contract void.
Schmidt: How am I gonna get the feathers off?
Emma: I have no idea.

Jess: So you're getting a lot of work done here, huh?
Nick: Who wins ... me versus gorilla? Go.
Jess: Gorilla.
Nick: Me versus gorilla.
Jess: Gorilla.
Nick: No, but in a contest.
Jess: Gorilla.
Nick: Yeah, but in a competition.
Jess: Uh, gorilla.
Nick: You don't get it.

Nick: You are a Mexican West Coast rattlesnakes, and they call you "fang-tastic." No one ever calls me anything like that.

Winston: Nick, I got off my adjusted schedule...
Nick: Don't say "adjusted schedule." That's super annoying.
Winston: Adjusted schedule.
Nick: Stop saying it.
Winston: Adjusted schedule.
Nick: You say it again, I'm gonna let the snakes out.
Winston: Adjusted schedule. Let the snakes out.
Nick: I will let... These guys have done a pretty good job keeping it sealed.
Winston: Yeah, yeah.

Winston: Nick, you're not a finisher.
Nick: Oh, I'm a finisher.
Winston: You're not a finisher at all, man. That's why you didn't finish law school.
Nick: Don't do that.
Winston: The same reason you're only three episodes into Downton Abbey.
Nick: There's just too many characters, it's hard to follow.

Jess: I have a lot of eggs. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of sausage. Yeah, I shouldn't be complaining. I'll be okay.