Winston: Morning, ladies. And Nick.
Melissa: Morning?
Winston: Well, I mean, I work nights now, so I'm on an adjusted sleeping schedule. I just woke up, here's my breakfast, I'm going to work.
Nick: Take me with you! They're talking about vaginas! I hate it! Take me with you!

Nick: No more excuses. I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna write that novel.
Winston: And I'll be the first to read it.
Nick: We got a deal, friend.
Winston: Deal.
Manny: [on the phone] Yeah, you still have me on the line. My two cents? He's never gonna write that book.
Nick: Why don't you shut up, Manny from Cerritos?
Winston: Okay.
Nick: Who asked you? Hang up the phone.

Jess: Well, thank you, guys, for the... awesome drunky thing and the weirdly sobering end.
Melissa: Look, I know Sadie freaked you out with all this talk about tests, but I just want to remind you that at the end of the day, it's all about love. I mean, I love Sadie. I want my babies to have her beautiful face. As long as they don't get her big, fat man-feet.
Jess: Yuck.
Melissa: Fingers crossed we go donor on that one.
Jess: Okay.
Sadie: Let's make a graceful exit, my love.
Melissa: Okay.
Jess: Hey, get out of here, you crazy lesbos, with your baby-making!

Schmidt: Friends, I'm in a real-life sex pickle. My inability to satisfy Emma has thoroughly rocked me. I've tried everything.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: How about now?
Emma: Hold on. I'm Shazam-ing this song.
Schmidt: Oh, for crying out loud!

Nick: I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time with my zombie novel.
Schmidt: Oh, not this...
Jess: Are you literally comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?
Nick: I'm a writer, Jess. We create life.
Jess: Ugh! Being a woman sucks!
Nick: Preaching to the choir. Women are the worst.

Nick: Would you trust me? You're gonna be fine. You're gonna meet somebody and... you're gonna fall in love and then... before you know it, you're gonna...
Jess: With who, Nick? Who's gonna... lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?
Schmidt: I'll man up. But I must warn you, Jess ... I don't have sperms. I have tadpoles. Of the gods. That's right. And I'm gonna give 'em to you. You can have 'em all, for all I care. That's how much I love you. I feel your pain in this situation. I want you to have babies. Take my sperms.

Jess: To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me. I think it's important that that's been said.
Nick: Good, 'cause it's definitely not me.
Jess: Good, 'cause it's definitely not you.
Nick: I would love that little baby with all my heart. Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear and... hitting on the crossing guard.

Nick: Whoo, I feel like Hemingway.
Winston: This is life experience?
Nick: Yeah, the zoo is the best we can do, I told you, but it's got everything we need. It's got life, animals, man, beast.

Winston: Look, I'm sorry, dude, it's just, you know, I'm not supposed to be awake right now because of my adjusted...
Nick: Adjusted schedule, yeah.
Winston: Hey, man, 13 minutes of sleep. Honestly, Nick, seriously, 13 minutes of sleep ... that's all I got. You're starting to look like a pillow to me. All I can think of is, like, "Man, Nick looks exactly like a pillow to me." [Nick claps] Hmm, what'd you say?
Nick: Winston, you need some sleep.

Nick: Okay, but check out where we are. This is experience, this is what's firing me up to get back to writing. This is kind of what it's all about. [drinks from a flask]
Winston: What are you doing?
Nick: It's writer's fuel. That's what Hemingway said.