Jess: I didn't do it! I'm lying. I obviously did it.
Gavin: Don't worry. We just put those there for people to break.
Jess: Really?
Gavin: No, they were very expensive. But I own the place, so why don't we say this one broke, too? I'm Gavin. Let's try this one.
Jess: Tempting, but my friends are getting married. I'm kind of on a deadline. And also I prefer my wine sparkling, pink and under $11. [gasps]
Gavin: Just taste it.
Jess: Okay, one glass.

Winston: Javier, you take the early shift on... Saturday.
Javier: Ugh.
Winston: Come on, listen, I got to do what I got to do, you know? Uh, Gina, wait to induce until Sunday... afternoon.
Nick: Gina, don't you have something on Sunday?
Gina: My husband has his fantasy baseball league. He won't attend the birth if it doesn't happen.
Winston: That's not the man you should be with, I'm sorry.

Winston: Well, all I got to say is, buckle up, Miller. It's about to be a bumpy ride. [chuckles] [whispering:] Uh, where... where are my sunglasses?
Aly: How the hell should I know?
Winston: I specifically asked you to keep track of my sunglasses.
Aly: And I told you I'm not your freaking mother.
Winston: Okay, you know what, calm down, I'll just squint then.
Aly: Do what you got to do, man.
Nick: Is this how all partners talk to each other?
Winston: [laughing] Welcome to hell, Miller.

Jess: [laughs] I have too much manchego.
Gavin: Happens to the best of us.
Jess: Have you ever had your eyebrows combed by a woman you just met?
Gavin: Yes.

Dispatcher: [over radio] 7-8-6-3. Possible 4-5-9 at 2-7-3 Elm Cross and Fairbanks.
Winston: Hell yes. 4-2-4 responding. Over. Bar boy, get in. Aly, let's lock and load.
Aly: Is your gun not loaded? You have to load your gun, Winston.

Jess: Oh, no. Schmidt, um, that's your dad.
Schmidt & Cece: What?
Schmidt: What-what is my dad doing at our front door?
Jess: He thinks we're going on a date.
Schmidt: Why would he think that, Jess?
Jess: Because I said, "Let's go on a date." I'll get rid of him. Go to your room and close the door.
Schmidt: Do not tell me what to do; you are not my mom. [Jess gasps]
Cece: Oh, that's disgusting.

Nick: Okay, I get it! Your job is way harder than mine! Just make the bad man go away!
Winston: What?
Nick: Put the gun down!
Winston: Yeah, my job is much harder! [Nick screams] We're gonna make him go away! [Nick shouting] [to Aly] Can't stand to see Nick like this, you know. At least now, he understands being a cop is much harder than being a bartender. We all got to learn that lesson sometime.
Aly: Idiot, he doesn't think his job is harder. He just wants you to see that he's grown and changed and whatever else stupid stuff people care about.

Jess: They want to make sure that we don't teach evolution. I'm an educator, so...
Gavin: Oh, you told me. I believe you had me pressed up against a cask of Merlot at the time.
Schmidt: [watching] [groans] He's a bottom?
Gavin: You want to give me the tour? Or should we just crack this open and make out?
Schmidt: What a line. Who is this clown?

Gavin: [to video camera] Son?
Cece: Babe, I think you should watch.
Schmidt: I don't...
Gavin: Son.
Cece: You should watch.
Gavin: I know you're mad. I get it.
Jess: Do you want me to take this off?
Gavin: I didn't do a good job being your father.
Jess: You're in a zone. I'm just gonna sit tight.
Gavin: And now you're getting married. I get it. I wouldn't have invited me, either. I've missed a lot. I'm sorry. In my defense, I was stoned for most of the '90s. And the 2000s. Full disclosure-- I was stoned this morning. I like weed. But the point is, if you can forgive me even a little, I'd love to have a drink with you. And meet the man that you've become.

Schmidt: Gavin.
Gavin: That's okay-- Gavin, not Dad.
Schmidt: That's just where I'm at right now.
Gavin: Understood. I'm grateful you're calling me anything at all. I wanted to say I'm sorry. And I know that it might not seem genuine, because the only reason I came here today was to do stuff with your roommate.
[Schmidt groans] But in the past ten years, I must've picked up that phone to call you and apologize a hundred times. I really am sorry.
Schmidt: Gavin, this is my fiancée Cece. She is the reason that I am the man that I am today.
Gavin: It's wonderful to meet you, Cece. I'm the terrible father.
Cece: Thank you. Because whatever you did or didn't do, Schmidt turned out amazing.
Gavin: All right. I'm gonna head out. I'm sure it will be a beautiful wedding. I wasn't very good at being married. But thankfully you seem like you're nothing like me. For what it's worth, I like the second option. Timeless.
Schmidt: I agree.
Gavin: Good-bye.
Schmidt: Okay, wa-- uh... [clears throat] Wait, uh... Here, that's for you. Let's see if you can show up this time. I hope that you do.
Gavin: Thank you.
Schmidt: There's no plus one, so don't even ask.
Gavin: I'll be there.
Schmidt: [sighs] Back to square one on the seating chart.