Schmidt: That man has so much confidence. It's amazing.
Nick: Until the morning? I can't do this, Schmidt. I'm having anxiety here.
Schmidt: I have an 8:00 a.m. presentation. That means I have to get there at 7:45 to lower everyone's chairs.

Artie: Oh, looks like you could use a new drink. Barkeep, can I please get a Shirley Temple with a finger of coconut rum and a lemon squeeze?
Jess: I call it a Temple Grandin because it makes friendly and compassionate. [laughs] I have a boyfriend.
Cece: No, she... No, she doesn't.
Jess: Yeah, I do. She do.
Cece: No.
Artie: Obviously, this is a bad time, and, uh, you're involved.
Jess: In some shape or other.
Cece: No, no, no. She's free as a bird.
Jess: Cece.
Artie: All right, well, he's a very lucky man. I hope he realizes that. Oh, don't move. You've got an eyelash. There we go. Make a wish.
Jess: I'm afraid to.
Artie: All right, take care.
Cece: Big mistake.
Jess: I shook his hand. I had my fun.

Bartender: Uh, all sales of Bunny Money are final.
Winston: How am I supposed to spend $2,000 on dancers?
Bartender: Oh, no. Our dancers don't take it.
Winston: What?
Bartender: However, uh, Bunny Money is redeemable at the bar, our gift shop and our sister club in Fort Myers, Florida.
Winston: What?!

Artie: Nick's at a strip club, but he's just being a normal guy in his 20s that wants to hang out with other guys in their 20s.
Jess: They're all in their 30s.
Artie: Hmm.
Jess: Yeah. Enough about Nick. What do you do when you're not making coffee at the coffee shop?
Artie: Well, actually, I own the coffee shop.
Jess: What?
Artie: It's not as glamorous as you may think. It's a lot of spreadsheets and jetting off to Brazil at a moment's notice.
Jess: Nick's never been to Brazil.
Artie: Maybe you should step away. You know, call Nick up and hash things out.
Jess: Hmm-mm, can't call Nick 'cause then he'll know I'm thinking about him.
Artie: Ah.
Jess: And then he wins.
Artie: Maybe you both win.
Jess: Say Brazil again.
Artie: Brazil.
Jess: [chuckles] Say "rubber baby buggy bumpers."
Artie: Rubber babby buggy bumpers.
Jess: Oh, my God!

Artie: Hey, I think you guys have had enough. Why don't you let me give you a ride home?
Jess: Wait, you weren't drinking?
Artie: Oh, no, no, no, I don't drink. I got to get a jump on the morning.
Jess: Well, you really have it together. I bet you can use a phone, too.
Artie: Your bar for having it together is set pretty low.
Cece: I don't think this is such a good idea. We can just grab a cab home.
Jess: Cece, this was your idea. Artie, can we take your jet?
Artie: Oh, it's just one coffee shop.
Jess: Wouldn't you like to know?

Jess: Thanks for the ride, Artie. Bathroom's down the hall. It's the one with the urinals. I do live with men. Nay, boys. [to Cece] Look, if he can pee in Brazil, he can pee at my house.
Cece: Do you actually like this guy?
Jess: What? No, no. Nick couldn't call me his girlfriend, and that hurt. Now I want to hurt him back with some long, hot conversation.
Cece: That's what you really want to do?
Jess: Yes. Men suck, remember?
Cece: I'm sorry about saying that, because I put that on you, all right? That's because I'm going through something right now with Schmidt. You have Nick.
Jess: Nick's a child who drinks on Tuesdays.
Cece: You're drinking on a Tuesday and you are a teacher.
Jess: Oh, those kids are watching a movie tomorrow.

Coach: Let's go, Shrimp Forks.
Winston: Coach, Shrimp Forks? Come on, man, that makes no sense. I played professional basketball. You got to stop calling me that.
Coach: I'm sorry, man. Hop along, Bunny Money.
Winston: Better than Shrimp Forks. I'll take that.
Schmidt: Fantastic. It only cost you $2,000.

Jess: Where's Winston with the food?
Winston: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. It was crazy at the V-Rab. Bachelor party season. I got a deep-dish gyrator, no mushrooms.
Coach: That's me.
Jess: Don't call it V-Rab. Please.
Winston: I got the main stage fish tacos.
Nick: No regrets. Great order.
Winston: Pour some sugar on meatballs?
Jess: Oh, that's me. Thank you.
Winston: Let's see, and I got the short stack ass-clap pancakes.

Nick: Oh! It's Coach!
Jess: Coach, our old roommate?
Nick: He wants to hang out tonight.
Jess: What?
Nick: He just texted me.
Winston: Oh, man, you better give Power of Attorney to a loved one, 'cause it's about to get crazy.
Nick: When Coach has the dice, every roll's a seven.

Jess: Holy crap in a hat! Schmidt! How long have you been out there?
Schmidt: Oh, relax. Just bringing my chimes over to the new loft.
Nick: Damn it, Schmidt! You're here all the time taking our stuff. You decided to move out, so get new stuff.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm sorry that I'm more into material possessions than you.
Jess: Schmidt, you stole my toothpaste while I was using it. That's vindictive.
Winston: That's who took the toothpaste?
Jess: Yeah.