Schmidt: It's cool, man. It's just a little color. In a couple days I'll be brown just like you, Cece. Because... because your culture is...
Cece: What is my culture?
Schmidt: It's, um... you're... Fff... Um... Jjj... Jaflan... Jafanese? Uh, Sa-Saudi... Saudiboo... Um... Monga...
Cece: My parents were born in India.
Schmidt: India... totally. Love India.
Winston: He really does. Hey, Schmidt, why don't you tell her about all the things you love about India.
Schmidt: Uh, sure. I love, you know, uh, I love Slumdog. I love naan, uh, pepper, Ben Kingsley, the stories of Rudyard Kipling. I have respect for cows, of course. I love, uh, the Taj Mahal, Deepak Chopra, anyone named Patel. I love monsoons. I love... I love cobras and baskets, Naveen Andrews. I love mango chutney, uh, really, any type of chutney. Teepees...

Schmidt: Yes. I told you I'd come through. Okay, Benjamin just invited us to a very cool party.
Nick: No, I just got off three back-to-back shifts at the bar. I just want to sit here all weekend in silence playing this game, then I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.

Winston: Are you even wearing underwear? What is between you and that chair?
Schmidt: Just a little bit of sunshine.
Winston: [chuckles] All right, take off that kimono, please.
Schmidt: It's my leisure wear, Winston. Look, I worked 80 hours this week. I just want to come home, put on my 'mono and just hang loose, man. Okay? If you had a job, you'd understand.
Winston: R-Really? Wow! It just got real in here. Okay, you're not gonna take the kimono off? Fine. Then I'm not wearing any pants. Boom! Bam! Mm-hmm. Everybody want to just walk around this house wearing all kinds of stupid stuff, then guess what I'm gonna do, Schmidt. I'm wearing a napkin on my face. Bam! How you like that?
Schmidt: That doesn't even make any sense, Winston.
Winston: It makes perfect sense.
Schmidt: Totally different than me wearing my kimono. You are laughing in the face of thousands of years of samurai culture. And it's an affront, Winston. It's an affront.
Winston: Look at me now, huh? This is the vibe we have in the house now because of you. You want to walk around here looking silly.
Schmidt: This is handcrafted! In China.

Cece: Come on, get up!
Nick: No, I don't dance. I'm from the town in Footloose.

Jess: We're just friends.
Cece: You can't be friends with these guys. You don't think that every single one of them has thought about sleeping with you?
Jess: No, you just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone all the time.
Cece: They do. That's why I think that.

Schmidt: Did you see that cleavage? I just want to get my arm stuck down there. 127 Hours style. And then, and then... [imitates a saw] Just cut it for days. I don't care. I'll cut through the bone, the nerve.
Winston: [snapping sound] Schmidt!

Cece: Don't you hear how he says your name? "Jess."
Jess: He's from Chicago. That's how people from Chicago say "Jess." [Chicago accent] Like "Bears" and "milk" and "Let's go visit the Sears Tower."

Nick: Well, how long is she staying?
Jess: Oh, not long. I know she can be tough to deal with. Sometimes she just calls me up and she's like, "Bitch, I love you." And then she just hangs up. No other information.
Nick: Weird.
Jess: But I don't know, I kind of like it when she calls me "bitch." It makes me feel like Janis Joplin.

Nick: This is the opposite of being alone! This is the opposite of what I wanted this weekend.

Schmidt: Friday night, gentlemen. It's on.
Nick: What happened to you?
Schmidt: It's on and poppin' up in here, you feel?
Nick: What happened to you?
Schmidt: What?
Nick: You didn't used to be like this, Schmidt.
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Nick: You've gotten so much worse.
Schmidt: It's on and poppin'!