Jess: Hi, Nick.
Nick: Seriously, Jess, what the hell happened? I've been driving around for the last hour looking for you.
Cece: Everything is okay, and we were hoping to get everything out...
Both: on the table.
Jess: The table which is not a table, it doesn't exist. Don't worry about the table.
Nick: We were in the middle of traffic and you just got out and ran away.
Jess: I was hot. You were so hot that you had to jump out of my car and run?
Nick: Why are you standing like that?
Jess: This is how I stand.
Nick: I've never seen you stand like that. I was really worried something had happened to you, okay? And you can't just walk around this neighborhood with bags full of toilet paper, that you don't even use.
Cece: What?
Jess: [quietly] I told him I don't use toilet paper.

Jess: No. I don't need your help. You don't know... Nick and I are friends. You don't know, 'cause you don't have guy friends at all. You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. Oh, I'm sorry... DJ Diabeat It.
Cece: He has diabetes.
Jess: Oh, he does? Boo-hoo. I'm sorry. Is it really bad? I feel really bad.
Cece: He's fine. He takes medication.

Jess: Why do you just come in and you take over? It's like you're playing mind games with people.
Cece: Don't put this on me, Jess. Ok, I'm trying to help you. You never make a move...
Jess: Well, I don't need your help. I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
Cece: Okay, what did you just say?
Jess: You heard me, bitch. [both laugh]

Jess: She'd eat you up.
Schmidt: You really think she'd eat me up?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Like buffet style? You know, all you can eat? 'cause I got that prime rib, yo. Carving station, plates are warm, sneeze guard, kids eat for free. I mean, except for the... Except for the last...

Schmidt: Hey, Cece. Um... Look, I get it. This isn't going to happen. But the couch is super uncomfortable, my sunburn's starting to blister, and I just want to sleep in my own bed.
Cece: Okay.
[Schmidt turns on "swamp sounds" on his white noise machine]
Cece: I'm sorry for everything. I can be a jerk sometimes.
Schmidt: I hate sleeping alone.
Cece: Me too.
Schmidt: Sweet. Sch-weet...
Cece: Better when you don't talk.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Cece: [grabs Schmidt's hand] If you tell anyone we held hands, I have two people in my phone that will kill you. Literally.

Winston: [answers phone]
Schmidt: I did it, man. I'm holding her hand right now. She's in my bed and she's asleep.
Winston: Wait, so you're in... you're in the room right now? What is wrong with you? Hang up the phone.
Schmidt: I did it. I closed.
Winston: We could have this conversation at any time.
Schmidt: Shh. Please, shh. Okay, we're good.
Winston: And just so we're clear, when I say "closing," this is not what I'm talking about.
Schmidt: You need to define your terms. Because what I'm doing right now feels an awful lot like closing.