Jess: Hi, Cece. I'm gonna make you a bed on the couch, okay? You have to stop dancing, okay, so you can go to sleep.
Winston: [deep voice] You know, Cece, I think you should dance if you want to.
Jess: Why are you talking like that?
Winston: Like what? I'm just hanging out.

Schmidt: You can use my bed; I'll sleep on the couch. Over here. Over here, Cece.
Cece: Oh.
Schmidt: Over here. Over here.
Winston: Are you sheepdogging her?
Schmidt: Over here, over here. Over here, over here. Not here. Here we go.

Cece: [wakes up, screams]
Schmidt: [hanging from the door frame] And 4,000. Yeah.
Cece: Oh, my God.
Schmidt: Wilkommen.
Cece: You're covered in oil?
Schmidt: What, oil? No. This is just, uh... [passes out]
Cece: You okay? Schmidt. Hey, are you okay?
Schmidt: Whoa. Whoa. I just blacked out for a second. Anything weird happen?
Cece: Okay, I need some water, so can you move?
Schmidt: Yeah, that's not gonna happen, honey. Just, you know, slide me like a curtain, okay? [groans] There you go. I'm good. I'm good.

Cece: But do you guys have any actual soap? Because all I can find in here is body gelato.
Winston: That would be Schmidt's ...
Nick: Schmidt's gelato.
Schmidt: That gelato is mine. If you could just... Don't use it all.

Jess: No, you are not coming in here and ruining all this. I'm happy, I like these guys, and I think they're actually starting to like me, too.
Cece: Who did you tell me was your perfect man?
Jess: Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men. And I could be girl Jack Lemmon.
Cece: He's a total Matthau! I'm telling you, he gets you. And did you see his feet? A guy's feet point at what they want. His feet were pointing right at you.
Jess: Why wouldn't his feet point at me? Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.

Winston: Look at her. Go for it, man. You know, go do your thing.
Schmidt: I don't like the roof, man. There's a cat up here. It's crazy. It was raised by birds.
Winston: You mean to tell me you're going to let a cat stop you from all that?
Schmidt: It's a bird-cat, man. It's very dangerous. Look it up. Double rabies.
Winston: Right. You can't close.
Schmidt: [looks both ways] You just said the magic words, son.

Schmidt: ["on the phone"] Baby, baby, don't cry. Look, I get it. I was the best lover you ever had. Yeah. A 90-minute session's pretty standard for me. It was god what? Oh, it was godlike. That's very sweet of you to say. [phone rings]
Winston: My bad. Pocket dialed you.
Schmidt: I got dropped calls, then Winston calls. It's crazy.

Cece: That was pretty good.
Winston: I know.
Cece: You're working a little too hard, though. Watch this. Schmidt!
Schmidt: Yo.
Cece: Go up to the roof.
Schmidt: Yeah, I'm going to go up to the roof.
Cece: I'll be there in ten minutes.
Schmidt: Cool. See you in, like, ten.
Winston: That was absolutely...
Cece: Make me a sandwich.
Winston: Sandwich. [heads to the kitchen]

Jess: I walked home. I got out of the car and I walked home.
Cece: Why, what happened?
Jess: His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time. Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it's my posture. I have really sexy posture.

Jess: I'm sorry that Cece did this to you.
Schmidt: That's okay. I'm used to it. I guess I'll just always be the fat kid with the big dreams.
Jess: It's not you. I love Cece, but she's not ready for you. You're a good guy. You know, if you ignore everything that you do on purpose, and concentrate on all of the things that you do by accident.