Nick: [quietly] I hope you like it. I poured that one for you. Drink it up. [normally] This is coming off weird ... it's creepy, right?
Jess: Go get her.
Nick: I can't do that. I can't talk to thirsty.
Jess: Thirsty?
Nick: I don't know her name, so I call her Thirsty. Thirsty Mendelson.
Schmidt: Oh, you made her Jewish?
Nick: I didn't make her Jewish.
Schmidt: Mendelson? She's not Jewish?
Nick: Well, thirsty...
Schmidt: If her last name's Mendelson, she's Jewish. Tell you what her first name is, too ... It's Rachel.

Nick: What I have with thirsty is perfect. She's surly like I'm surly, and she rolls her eyes at everybody like I roll my eyes at everybody. She likes to drink in the afternoon. And I like to drink in the afternoon.
Jess: Go talk to her.
Nick: No, I can't. That breaks the first rule of bartending ... never cross the bar.

Winston: Jess. You want to help me at the jukebox really quick?
Jess: Oh, my God, yes ... I've always wanted to do this with you.
Winston: Well, I was gonna go "Raspberry Beret," but...
Jess: If we're gonna go Prince, I think we should go, like...

Nick: Hey, Cece, you okay?
Cece: Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Just broke up with Robby.
Nick: I'll make you a drink.
Schmidt: What ha... what happened?
Cece: Um, I told him I had to start getting serious about having kids and he said, "Okay, that's cool." But then that's all he said for the next eight hours, and he hasn't said anything to me since.

Cece: Schmidt! I have to get serious about my future, otherwise my mom is going to set me up with a hundred sweet, gentle, painfully boring Indian guys.
Schmidt: Oh, my God, your mother. "I want to control your life."
Cece: That's how my parents met and they had a beautiful, healthy marriage.
Schmidt: I respect your parents ... I do. I respect everything that ... look what they've created. Look at that... look at your beauty, with your hair. I'd eat it out of a bowl, your hair. I'd put it in a bowl and I'd eat your hair.
Nick: Oh, my God.

Schmidt: [to the mirror] Hey, Cece. I-I know it's unexpected that I'm here. It's because I wanted to tell you something. You're my boo. You're my boo and I'm... and I'm... I been missing you. I been missing you oh, so long.
Nick: You know what's weird? I don't find this weird anymore.
Schmidt: What's your problem, Nick ... how long you been standing there? How much of that did you hear?
Schmidt: I'm in love, man. I'm in love with Cece.
Nick: Everyone knows that, you dumb-ass. You always have been.

Jess: I've never wished I was dead more. Schmidt's gonna freak out. He once told me he spent $300 on a pocket square. [screams] No! [normally] Am I overreacting?
Winston: Eh, that's about right.

Remy: There you go... good as new. So, I've, uh, handled this one-man job, any two-man jobs you want us to tackle?
Jess: I think we're good. Thanks, Remy.
Remy: You sure there's not something else that needs fixing? Maybe in the... lady's bedroom?
Jess: Uh, yeah, I think we're done ... thank you, Remy. I will return your ladder when I feel like it. Thank you, bye. [to Winston] He's so weird.

Jess: Um, okay, so, phase two. Didn't Schmidt make us get renter's insurance when he almost tore down that rafter with the sex swing?
Winston: Jess, we fake a robbery. We fake a robbery for the insurance.
Jess: That's a great idea.
Winston: We're a couple of meth-heads.
Jess: Oh, yeah.
Winston: Boom.
Jess: [raspy voice] Got any meth? Got any rings on your fingers? I need them for meth.

Angie: Well, what are you standing there for? Go grab a bottle and get me drunk, idiot.
Nick: Well, I-I couldn't drink with you ... I work here. Just kidding, I get drunk, like, all the time. I've got a drinking thing. You got it. I also have all the access to pistachios if you want, like, a full... I'll make my own mind up on that.