Adrian Monk: I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
Dr. Kroger: No, no, no. Happy to do it.
Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
Dr. Kroger: No, Madeline is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Adrian Monk: Does she have Tourette's syndrome?
Dr. Kroger: Yes. Yes, she does.

Adrian Monk: What about the other idea? You said you had two.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, yeah, it's just a long shot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [grabs DVD from under Randy's arm] The Terminator?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, just brainstorming, you know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he was killing women with the same names. Forget it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live.
Lieutenant Disher: That was T.2.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town.
Lieutenant Disher: Can I have that back, please?
Captain Stottlemeyer: And things of this nature.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
Natalie: I took a short cut. I cut across the creek.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie: Yes, I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.

Adrian Monk: Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, these kind of things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics. There was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery. Next day, she got bit by a shark.
Adrian Monk: And what does that prove?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.

Lieutenant Disher: There's a contest. It's like a promotional thing. Collect all the pieces, you get free refills for life. I've been looking for this one for six months. Ha, free refills for life. Captain. Captain, I drink four of these a day. I live to be 100, that's, like, a million dollars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, a security guard was shot and killed. This is a homicide investigation.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir, I know. This coupon is three weeks old. CSI guys just cleared it. It's not part of the case. Cap- Captain, you're a spiritual person. I mean, you believe in God, right? I think this happened for a reason. Him dying, me finding this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Lieutenant Disher: Circle of life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's The Lion King.
Lieutenant Disher: Exactly. Except instead of a lion, it's me. And instead of a baby cub, it's a Diet Coke.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, I'm gonna let you have the receipt on one condition. You know what you just said about the lion, and the baby cub, and the Diet Coke? You don't ever repeat that again as long as I'm alive, understood?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.

Adrian Monk: Monogrammed wipe. [picks up tub] Plaster mold? Do not ingest. Marci, when Otto died, did you tell anyone?
Marci Maven: No.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Don't turn! Don't- Don't- Don't turn around. I think you were right. He's the guy. And I know how he did it.
Marci Maven: Oh, my gosh. Say, "Here's what happened."
Adrian Monk: He must've been planning this for weeks!
Marci Maven: Say, "Here's what happened"!

Marci Maven: There must be another explanation.
Adrian Monk: Like what, Marci?
Marci Maven: Like, I don't know. I mean, you do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut and dry. And then you come in and you do your thing. And you get clues and you figure it out. You know, it's like "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut." Or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School." Oh, remember that one?
Adrian Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?
Natalie: According to the forensic laboratory reports-
Marci Maven: Yeah, well, they're wrong. Okay. They can make mistakes. Maybe it was, uh, a frame-up.
Natalie: [chuckles] They framed your dog?
Marci Maven: [mock chuckle] Yeah, maybe they did frame my dog, Natalie. It's not totally unprecedented. What about "Mr. Monk and the Panic Room"? They tried to frame a monkey, didn't they? See, things aren't always as they seem.
Adrian Monk: That's true.

Marci Maven: This is my favorite. It's from last summer. See, what I do is I read the articles about you and then I make dioramas of the various cases. This one is "Mr. Monk and the Three Pies."
Adrian Monk: What?!
Marci Maven: When you went to see your brother. That's what I call it.
Adrian Monk: Is that me?
Marci Maven: "Adrian, should we call the captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car." "On my way, Mr. Monk."
Natalie: Is that me? It's a troll doll.
Marci Maven: Huh. "Marci, I can't imagine life without you." "Oh, Adrian, I've waited so long..."

Dr. Kroger: You know, you're like John Henry: Man versus the machine. You know that song?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, I was, um... I was in a folk singing group in college. We always used to end each show singing that song. You never heard it? [sings] When John Henry was a little baby He sat on his momma's knee He picked up a hammer, a piece of steel Said hammer will be the death of me Lord! Lord! Hammer will be the death of me Yes!
Adrian Monk: Well... Okay, okay then. Thank you.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, the point is that he was a steel driver. There was a big contest between John Henry and the big, new, modern steam drill, and John Henry won.
Adrian Monk: He- He did?
Dr. Kroger: He won, yes. I mean, absolutely. That's why I'm telling you this. He won, he was a hero. Everybody loved him. God, I just loved it when everybody joined in on that last verse.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Kroger: [sings] When John Henry was hammering that mountain Mountain was spitting fire He worked so hard that he broke his heart Laid down his hammer and he died Lord! Lord! He laid down his hammer And he died.
Adrian Monk: So, he- He died?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I guess he did. Oh, no, no, no, in this version. You know, there were a lot of versions.
Adrian Monk: I think our time is up.
Dr. Kroger: No, it's not. No, it's only 20 after.
Adrian Monk: I think our time is up.

Lieutenant Disher: How you doin'? We were looking at this case all wrong. It wasn't a burglary. It was all about the wall. The whole time. Here's what happened. The killer was in here last Thursday night. This is where he met Michelle Cullman. They have an artist in here a few nights a week sketching the customers. He drew their picture right there on the wall. After the murder, the killer remembered the sketch. That sketch could hang him. It could prove that he was with the victim the night she died. And it would prove what he was wearing. The same shirt we found at the murder scene. He had to destroy that sketch. So he smashed through the wall and pretended it was part of a burglary. He just pretended to be breaking into a pawn shop. It was never about the pawnshop.
Female Cop: I know.
Lieutenant Disher: You know?
Female Cop: I was here ten minutes ago when Monk was explaining it to you.