Jack Monk, Jr.: Come on, we have the same DNA, same dad. Same alcoholic son of a bitch. Do you know he ran out on us ten years after he bailed on you?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Fine. You still don't believe me. Ask me something. [sits down]
Adrian Monk: Don't- Wait! Ask ask you what?
Jack Monk, Jr.: About us, dad, anything. Go. Shoot.
Adrian Monk: Okay. What was his favorite song?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Ain't Misbehavin. Sang in the bathtub.
Adrian Monk: How did he take his coffee?
Jack Monk, Jr.: With whiskey. Jameson's, if he could afford it, which he never could.

Adrian Monk: Okay. Who's Joe Endicott?
Jack Monk, Jr.: I am well, at least that's who I was when I was arrested.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Arrested for what?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Selling cars... that weren't mine... exactly. I'm starving. Do you have any food?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, wait. Whoa. No, you're not eating here.
Jack Monk, Jr.: All right.
Adrian Monk: You wanna tell me what happened last night?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah. I busted out. That's what happened.
Adrian Monk: You killed a woman.
Jack Monk, Jr.: No way. Hey Adrian, look! Hand to God, I've never hurt anybody! Ever! I'm a con man. I'm a grifter. I'm a... Lovable rogue.
Adrian Monk: A lovable rogue? People don't call themselves lovable rogues.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Lovable rogues do.

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! What'd you do?
Jack Monk, Jr.: [now clean-shaven] Little camouflage. Wrong people might see us working on the case.
Adrian Monk: What case?
Jack Monk, Jr.: My case! I told you I didn't kill that woman. We gotta prove it.
Adrian Monk: No, no. There is no case. We're gonna call a lawyer, then you're gonna turn yourself in.
Jack Monk, Jr.: No! No, I can't do that. I can't go back to jail, okay? Not yet. Hey, how is Ambrose? [opens Monk's wardrobe]
Adrian Monk: He's- He's fine.
Jack Monk, Jr.: You know what? We should call him. I would love to say hi to him.
Adrian Monk: I'd rather not involve him. Excuse me. What do you mean, you can't go back yet?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Look, that woman, the woman that was killed, Lindsey Bishop was her name. She was a social worker there. Everybody in the joint loved her. She used to work on letters, help people with their appeals. I mean, look, if I go back there and they... Don't worry, it's perfect. And they think that I killed her, I wouldn't last more than ten minutes in there. Look, clear my name. And then I'll go back, I promise. Hey, you know, these are all the same. What, you wear the same thing every day? I feel like I'm back in prison. You know, could I have a little bit of privacy, please? Thanks.

Jack Monk, Jr.: Do you have any other kind of mayo?
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Jack Monk, Jr.: I'm making a sandwich. I'm starving.
Adrian Monk: Are you ever gonna tell me what happened?
Jack Monk, Jr.: After I eat, okay? I have been running all night. That's mine.
Adrian Monk: Talk first. Then eat. Look, I can do both. All right? There's not much to tell. It took me two months and 87 spoons to get outta there.
Jack Monk, Jr.: What about your cellmate?
Adrian Monk: I didn't have one. Made life a lot easier. So last night after lights out, I made my move. So three minutes later, I was in the sewer pipe.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, okay. You can skip that part.
Jack Monk, Jr.: The stench was god-awful. It was like crawling through someone's-
Adrian Monk: Okay, it's okay. Just skip ahead.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Okay, about 3:00AM, I come out the other side, and I saw a car. Looked empty. I figured I got lucky. I thought maybe I could hotwire it. I yank open the door, and there she was. I tried calling 911, but then some guard in the tower spots me, opened fire, and I just... I just took off and never looked back.
Adrian Monk: So let me see if I understand this. If you're telling the truth...
Jack Monk, Jr.: Hand to God.
Adrian Monk: Right. Hand to God. This is your story. A homicidal maniac happened to be strolling by the federal prison. He saw the car. He stabs the driver. But he doesn't steal the car. He just runs away. Couple minutes later, Jack Monk, Jr. Crawls out of a manhole a few yards away and finds the body?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yes.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. You made this very easy for me.

Jack Monk, Jr.: Wait. What are you doin'? Adrian, what are you doin'? No, no, no what is it with you and the phone? Come on, you're treating me like another schlub. This is family! Hey, this is family talkin' here. That's gotta mean something.
Adrian Monk: Not to me.
Jack Monk, Jr.: No! Okay, okay! You win. I'll go back to jail. Straight up, I'll do my time. Just do me one favor. Let me call my mother.
Adrian Monk: Your mother.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yes, Adrian. I have a mother too. Her name is Darlene Monk. She lives in Amarillo, Texas. I'm sure she's been watching the news, and she must be scared to death, okay? Come on. Just one phone call. For old time's sake?
Adrian Monk: We don't have any old times.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Sure, we do. Come on, remember? Remember in the hallway, when you hit me over the head with that metal box?
Adrian Monk: That was a half hour ago.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, well, it's something. I mean, it's a start.

Jack Monk, Jr.: [on the phone] Hey, Mom, it's Jack.
Jack's Mother: [on speakerphone] Jackie. My baby! Are you okay?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah.
Jack's Mother: On the news, they said you killed a woman.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Mom, I didn't kill anybody. You gotta believe me.
Jack's Mother: My baby!
Jack Monk, Jr.: I know, I wish I could prove it, but I can't.
Jack's Mother: Jackie, go to your brother. Go to Adrian. He has to help you. He's family.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Mom, I'm with him right now, and, he wants to turn me in.
Jack's Mother: [gasps] Why?! Why won't he help us?
Jack Monk, Jr.: I don't know, mom. I guess family doesn't mean anything to him.

Jack's Mother: [on speakerphone] Adrian Monk! Are you there? [Monk shakes his head] Are you there?
Adrian Monk: Hello.
Jack's Mother: We've never met, but I feel like I know you. Your father bragged about you all the time.
Adrian Monk: He did?
Jack's Mother: He said you were the light of his life. He said there's nothing you couldn't do. I am begging you, Adrian. I'm a mother. I'm on my knees. Help my little boy. Help little Jackie! He's no Angel, but he wouldn't hurt anybody. [cries]
Adrian Monk: Darlene? Ma'am? It's okay. I am going to help your son.
Jack's Mother: You are?
Adrian Monk: He's gonna be okay, I promise. I'll- I'll do what I can. Okay.
Jack's Mother: God bless you, Adrian!
Jack Monk, Jr.: Love you, mom. [hangs up] Thanks, bro.
Adrian Monk: Half bro.

Natalie: It's funny, you know, I've known Mr. Monk for four years, and he never mentioned having a pen pal.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Well, you know, I shouldn't say anything else. I don't wanna break the pen pal code, so...
Natalie: [chuckles] Okay.

Adrian Monk: And that's the weapon?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Is it a fork or a spoon?
Daniel Reese: You can make a knife out of anything. Utensils, toothbrushes.
Adrian Monk: "Gos" something. That's Sterling Silver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? [chuckles] What are you guys doing up there, having tea parties?
Warden Tom Bennet: Well, that's not standard issue. It must have been smuggled in.

Jack Monk, Jr.: Are you gonna eat?
Adrian Monk: Not here. Or near here. Or far from here.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, dad said you were peculiar.