Marci Maven: Oh, you are the greatest detective in the world. You are the greatest detective in the universe. You should have your own show!
Adrian Monk: No. No, I'm...
Marci Maven: You should. You have to promise me something. Will you promise me something? If you ever do get your own show, you have to promise me that you will never change the theme song. Okay?
Adrian Monk: I promise.
Marci Maven: That's the only thing. You promise?
Adrian Monk: Sure. I promise.
Marci Maven: You promise?
Adrian Monk: Good night.
[The original Monk theme tune plays as the credits roll]

Script Supervisor: He used a different finger. It won't cut together.
Director: Oh, you're right. Uh, Brad. Brad, listen. Make sure you use your right pinkie, okay?
Brad Terry: Yeah. Sorry. No problem.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. I noticed something else. The second time, the lights on the van were off.
Script Supervisor: Oh. He's right. I missed that one. Carl. Your lights.
Adrian Monk: And, uh, this... This- This gentleman in the brown shirt by the pizza place, he, uh, the first time, both his socks were pulled all the way up. But the second time, one was down. And, uh, you, sir... Sir? Your umbrella handle was turned, uh, this way. And, uh, you... Sir, you... You were holding your coffee cup with your pinkie extended. Not- Not- Not that much. Not that much. And her sweater- Her sweater was buttoned up, you know, all the way. And, uh, she looked at her watch like this the first time. And he- He scratched his elbow, and her straw was bent a little more.
Director: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Her zipper on her bag was all the way up.
Director: You're a very observant man, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I don't think there's anything you can do about the bird, but, on the first take...
Director: It's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect, Mr. Monk!

Adrian Monk: Marci. What are you doin' here?
Marci Maven: I just came by to thank you. God, that was so crazy of me to confess to murder.
Adrian Monk: What time is it?
Marci Maven: Midnight.
Adrian Monk: Midnight. I'd invite you in, but, uh...
Marci Maven: I make you uncomfortable, don't I? That's okay.
Adrian Monk: No. Listen, I'm sorry about Brad and...
Marci Maven: Oh, I don't even like Brad anymore. Ugh. I'm never seeing his show again. No way. Which is easy to say anyway, 'cause, you know, they canceled it.
Adrian Monk: Well, okay. Good for you. I'm happy for you.
Marci Maven: You know, they told me how you solved the case and everything, Adrian. And I just think you're wonderful.
Adrian Monk: No. Not- Not really.
Marci Maven: Yeah. Really. I started a whole Web site about you. And a newsletter.
Adrian Monk: Don't do that.

Marci Maven: This is a petition to get the old theme song back. They changed the theme song.
Sharona: Oh, my God! I hate that new theme song.
Marci Maven: Me too. God, the show was perfect. It was perfection, right?
Sharona: It was. It was... It was perfect.
Marci Maven: Why can't they just leave shows alone?
Sharona: I don't know.
Marci Maven: But tell Brad this is from Marci. That is me. "M" for Marci.
Sharona: "Marci." Okay.
Marci Maven: Yeah. He- He knows me, so...

Adrian Monk: A camera, Sharona? He's a murder suspect.
Sharona: Brad Terry didn't kill anybody.
Adrian Monk: How do you know? Because he plays a nice guy on TV.
Sharona: Tony Danza never killed anybody. Mister Rogers never killed anybody.
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying every actor is a murderer. I'm saying this actor might be a murderer.
Sharona: Do I have to agree with you on every case? Is that, like, a rule?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona: Well, you're wrong. He didn't do it.

Adrian Monk: What really happened here? They went outside together for a minute. She comes back in alone. You be Susan.
Sharona: Great. So I'm the victim again? I think you enjoy stabbing and shooting me.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't enjoy it, but it's my job.

Sharona: What was the fight about?
Dustin Sheers: Nothing. I said I'd never seen his show, and he flipped out. He jumps over the bar. He starts going postal on me.
Adrian Monk: [noticing two bottles] Excuse me. I'll have some of that scotch.
Dustin Sheers: It's 20 bucks.
Adrian Monk: No, not the whole bottle. Just a glass.
Dustin Sheers: Yeah. Twenty bucks. It's the best in the house.
Sharona: What are you doing? You don't drink. [sees the bottles] Oh, I get it. You're gonna waste $20 to make them even. Great. Oh, my God.
Adrian Monk: [to the man next to him] You want this?
Man: Sure.

Brad Terry: The door was locked from the inside. The hooker must have come in through the fire escape.
Lee: Minute traces of blood over here.
J: Rusty?
Brad Terry: Over here. What do you got, J.?
J: It looks like a fiber.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] What planet are they supposed to be on?
Sharona: Ssh.
Brad Terry: J, don't touch it. Lee, get the spectroscope.
Adrian Monk: What the hell is that?
Sharona: A spectroscope. It's how they solve the crimes. We should get one.
Adrian Monk: Why don't we get two? Then we can solve 'em twice as fast.

Adrian Monk: I don't know. Sharona and I saw her a half an hour after the murder. There was no blood on her shirt.
Lieutenant Disher: She explained that. She said she went back to her car and changed.
Adrian Monk: What happened to the bloody clothes? Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, we have a confession. A confession trumps a missing blouse.
Lieutenant Disher: Plus, a videotape puts Brad Terry in the front yard during the attack.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And also we have a confession.
Sharona: And he passed a polygraph test.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And did I mention we have a confession?

[on editing room screen:]
Brad Terry: There's a reason the coroner couldn't find a bullet in her body. There was no bullet to find.
Lee: At least no ordinary bullet.
Brad Terry: You killed the hooker with a bullet made from your own frozen blood. Isn't that right, Senator? Here's what happened. All you needed was an ounce of your blood. You poured it into a .38-caliber mold and froze it. The rest was easy. You left the fund-raiser at 7:00. You shot the hooker. Then you waited for the blood bullet to dissolve.
Senator: Well, you can't prove any of this.
Brad Terry: Oh, I think we can.
[reality:]
Brad Terry: I think it's fine. I think the gunshot could be louder.
Editor: I can do louder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is my favorite part where everybody stands around and you sum up the case.
Brad Terry: Yeah. Me too. Thanks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Mr. Monk.