Sharona: Um, Willie?
Willie Nelson: Yeah.
Sharona: Adrian can't play somebody else's instrument. He, uh, has a little problem with germs.
Willie Nelson: I got a brand-new mouthpiece right there, untouched by human lips.

Sharona: Honey, do your homework.
Benjy: I can't concentrate.
Sharona: I know, but he has to practice. He's gonna be on the radio with Willie Nelson.
Benjy: Who's Willie Nelson?
Sharona: He's a country singer.
Benjy: Has he ever been on MTV?
Sharona: No, but he's been on the news.
Benjy: What for?
Sharona: Well, according to the I.R.S., when he was a little boy, he didn't do his math homework.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-headed Stranger.
Lieutenant Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity and was identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B," Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think it's "C."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

Adrian Monk: 430. 431. 431 cereal boxes. That's a prime number.

Lieutenant Disher: Sir, are you ready for this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is this, a game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
Lieutenant Disher: The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket human blood from the victim.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
Lieutenant Disher: The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forty percent?
Lieutenant Disher: What do you think?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forty eight percent.
Lieutenant Disher: Voice I.D.?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Fifteen percent.
Lieutenant Disher: Motive?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Twenty.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity... [exits]
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson?
Jody: I'm Willie Nelson.
Bee: I'm Willie Nelson.
Mickey: I'm Willie Nelson.
Willie Nelson: I don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.
Adrian Monk: Captain, this is a mistake. He is not the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, you can't be objective. You're a member of the damn band.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What's she doing here?
Adrian Monk: I-I asked her to meet me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, do you mind telling me why?
Adrian Monk: You'll see. Just wait.
[After Wendy Mass sits down, the streaker starts running by]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch. He's back. Lieutenant, call the 23rd. Get a black-and-white down here A.
S.A.P.
Adrian Monk: Captain, not so fast.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I bailed him out last night, and I hired him.
Lieutenant Disher: You hired the streaker? To do what?
[As the streaker passes by Wendy, she turns around to get a look at him going. She laughs.]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch. She can see.
Lieutenant Disher: She can see?
Adrian Monk: She can see.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Why would you wanna kill Sonny Cross?
Adrian Monk: Revenge. He was driving the car that killed your parents and left you blind in Tampa. You knew he toured a lot. You waited for him to come through San Francisco, and eventually he did. They announced on the radio that Willie Nelson and his tour manager would be stopping by the station. So you got there early and put a note on the door. Then you waited. Before you killed him, did you tell him who you were?
Wendy Mass: Yes.
Adrian Monk: And you made sure that the second shot was from 20 feet away, a crime no blind woman could have committed. But then Willie Nelson showed up in that alley. You didn't count on that. You couldn't just leave the scene, so... You had to pretend to be a witness.
Wendy Mass: Jason Cross served a year and a half. Vehicular manslaughter? That wasn't justice. What I did last week, that was justice.