Adrian Monk: So, I'm the killer. You're Sonny Cross. Okay, I'm hiding. There is so much garbage back here.
Sharona: Oh, please.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here I am. I'm hiding. You walk up the alley. I jump out. I step up to you and bang!
Sharona: Ow! Why am I always the victim?
Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground in-in the dirt, and I'm... I'm me.

Benjy: Did you really meet a blind lady?
Sharona: Yeah.
Benjy: Does she have a dog?
Sharona: No, she had a cane.
Benjy: Hey, maybe I can interview her for that report I have to do on people with disabilities.
Sharona: Wait. I thought you were gonna write about...
Benjy: It only has to be two pages. Mr. Monk is a whole book.

Lieutenant Disher: [over radio] We're on foot, heading south towards Prospect.
Woman: Description?
Lieutenant Disher: He's wearing gray sneakers.
Woman: Is there anything else?
Lieutenant Disher: He's not Jewish!

Willie Nelson: Do you know "Georgia On My Mind"?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Sure.
Willie Nelson: Tomorrow night we're doing this radio concert. My agent thought it might be a good idea for publicity or whatever. We're gonna do "Georgia On My Mind." Would you like to come over and play?
Adrian Monk: You-You mean play with the band?
Willie Nelson: Yeah. You think about it.
Adrian Monk: No, no, I'd better not. If I think about it, I might say no.

Adrian Monk: Captain, I wouldn't tell that story about your accident to too many people.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why not?
Adrian Monk: Well, the hills north of Highway 18 have been closed for two weeks. Brush fires.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really?
Adrian Monk: What really happened?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was cleaning my gutters and slipped, fell off the ladder.

Willie Nelson: Thanks for comin'. My lawyer tells me that you're about the only friend I got left in town.
Adrian Monk: Do you smell that?
Willie Nelson: Uh, no, I don't, and you don't either.
Adrian Monk: I don't either. [chuckles]
Willie Nelson: Yeah, this is a little piece of Texas on wheels.
Adrian Monk: I love it. It's the bomb.
Sharona: "It's the bomb"?
Adrian Monk: Bomb is good.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you doing?
Sharona: Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison.

Adrian Monk: What's all this?
Sharona: It's for Saturday night. I'm cooking dinner for Justin.
Adrian Monk: Maybe I should drop by.
Sharona: Adrian, I love my job, but if I have to get a restraining order, I will.

Sharona: Look at all these plastic bags. You must be in heaven.
Adrian Monk: I never heard of these bands.
Sharona: You never heard of The Ramones?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, The Ramones. They are great. I love that song they do about loving that woman all night long.
Sharona: Shut up.

Wendy Mass: How did you know?
Adrian Monk: I knew that Cross had been arrested in Tampa. When you mentioned that you'd grown up there, it seemed like a remarkable coincidence. But I didn't put it together until I remembered something you had done last week when you met Captain Stottlemeyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Me?
Adrian Monk: When you came in with your right arm in a sling, everyone in the room naturally extended their left hand to shake, including Mrs. Mass. This was before anyone mentioned you had hurt your arm. So how could she have known that you offered your left hand?
Wendy Mass: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: You're thanking him?
Wendy Mass: I am so relieved. It was tearing me up inside that poor man was taking all the blame.
Sharona: You're gonna have to go to prison.
Wendy Mass: I understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe I can talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances.
Wendy Mass: There's only one thing that I want.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Wendy Mass: A window.