Sharona: Okay, here's another question. A man is blocking the main entrance of a store. What is the charge?
Adrian Monk: Obstructing a public access.
Sharona: That's right. The test used to determine whether a handgun has recently...
Adrian Monk: The paraffin diphenylamine test. Are all the questions gonna be this easy?
Sharona: I think so. This is the official practice book.
Adrian Monk: Then I am in, baby. Already had my old uniform cleaned and pressed.
Sharona: Adrian, don't you think that's a little premature?
Adrian Monk: It's not premature. It is perfectly mature. Sharona, ahh, I'm back.

Adrian Monk: This has to be the block. I can smell the eucalyptus from here.
Sharona: But which house?
Adrian Monk: Well, we'll know in a few seconds.
Sharona: What do you mean?
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Parlo said it was raining at exactly 8:00. But what she felt wasn't rain. Automatic sprinkler system.
Sharona: That's our house. [another set of sprinklers go on] Oh, which one is it? Oh, great.
Adrian Monk: That one. They fed her pizza, remember?
Sharona: You're gonna be a pretty good cop.

Sharona: Now what?
Adrian Monk: Now... Now we take a picture of whoever comes out of the house. Mrs. Parlo said she recognized their voices. Maybe she knows who they are.
Sharona: How are we gonna get their picture?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Why don't you think of something? I did the sprinkler thing. It's your turn.
Sharona: Oh, so now we're taking turns?
Adrian Monk: Yes, now we're taking turns.
Sharona: Since when?
Adrian Monk: It's our new policy. Didn't you get my memo?
Sharona: Stay here. I'll send you a memo.
Adrian Monk: What did you say?
Sharona: Nothing.
Adrian Monk: I heard the word "memo."
Sharona: Just stay here and study for your test.

Julie: That's my grandmother's chair. I recognize it.
Harold Maloney: She is lying. People make false claims about pieces like this, all the time.
Sharona: You like opera?
Carol Maloney: Yes, we love it. Is that a crime?
Sharona: It should be.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Tell me about the chair, Mr. Maloney.
Harold Maloney: I'd be happy to. It is a Fanback Windsor in original finish, built in 1774. Dealers like us wait our whole lives for a piece like this.
Carol Maloney: Note the engraving on the back in the shape of Monticello.
Harold Maloney: This chair was personally handcrafted by Thomas Jefferson. In fact, there is some evidence to support the fact that he sat in this very chair while he drafted the Declaration of Independence.
Lieutenant Disher: Does it swivel?
Captain Stottlemeyer: How much is it worth?
Carol Maloney: Two. Maybe 2.5.
Lieutenant Disher: Million?
Harold Maloney: [scoffs] Yes, Lieutenant, million.

Harold Maloney: Actually, we'll find out for sure next week. We're auctioning it off. I don't imagine any of you will be bidding on it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, where did you get it?
Julie: I'll tell you where they got it. They stole it from my grandmother's house.
Adrian Monk: She's right. Your cat ran away. You saw the flyer, and you went to their house looking for it, and that's where you saw the chair. You must have recognized it right away, but what could you do? You couldn't offer to buy it. They might have had it appraised, and that would have ruined everything.
Sharona: You couldn't steal it. The cops would have been looking for it. You'd never be able to sell it.
Adrian Monk: Then you had an idea. It was brilliant, really. You kidnapped Mrs. Parlo and carried her out of the house with the chair, made some ridiculous ransom demand, and then let her go. You figured anyone would be so relieved to have their nana back that they wouldn't even remember the missing chair.

Adrian Monk: Wait a minute. Listen.
Lieutenant Disher: Listen to what?
Adrian Monk: Listen to you. You're not sneezing. You haven't sneezed at all since we got here.
Sharona: That's true.
Adrian Monk: The Maloneys said they had a cat that ran away. That's why they went to Julie's house.
Julie: Right.
Adrian Monk: They lied. They never had a cat. Otherwise you'd be sneezing your head off.
Lieutenant Disher: You're right. He's right.
Julie: I'm lost, as usual.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If the Maloneys never had a cat, why did they go to your house in the first place? They must have known about the chair somehow.
Adrian Monk: Do you still have a copy of that flyer?
Julie: Uh, I think so. [removes flyer]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughs] That's the prettiest picture I've ever seen.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, what the heck- What is that? Monk!
Lieutenant Disher: I think that's your chair.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, that's my father's chair! If you put one scratch on that chair, I will... I will never forgive you! Monk, be careful with that chair. [Monk peeks through the blinds] Move the chair, Monk. Monk, move the chair. [opens door]
Sharona: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: You said "Be careful" because you love that chair.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right.
Adrian Monk: The kidnappers said "Be careful" when they carried Mrs. Parlo out of the house. They weren't worried about her. They were worried about that chair.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What chair?
Adrian Monk: The chair she was tied to. That's what this whole thing has been about.

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God!
Sharona: What are you supposed to be?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona: What's that on your face?
Lieutenant Disher: Dirt.
Sharona: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy.