Adrian Monk: A piano. Do you play?
Marge Johnson: Just one song. Greensleeves. My husband, Theo, taught it to me.
Adrian Monk: I'd love to hear it.
Marge Johnson: Well, that's very sweet of you. But I only play it once a year. On his birthday.
Adrian Monk: Oh. When did he pass?
Marge Johnson: 12 years ago. By the calendar, 12 years. In here, of course, the day before yesterday.
Adrian Monk: You had a child. I only see the one photograph.
Marge Johnson: We lost him, too. Paulie. His name was Paulie. He was just three years old. He'd be about your age. Yeah, he would. Oh, enough. Time goes on.
Adrian Monk: I know. And it keeps going on. It's relentless.

Marge Johnson: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I'm just separating my...
Marge Johnson: No, these are mixed vegetables. They're supposed to be mixed like this, see? You just mix 'em all together and then you eat 'em all together. You can see I really slaved over this luncheon, so eat. So what do you think that your next project is going to be? Think it's gonna be something important?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's interesting, actually. Somebody killed a security guard last night.
Marge Johnson: Killed him?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. I haven't figured it out yet. It happened at the Guinness museum. The only thing that was missing was one display, a mechanical man. It was, it was a robot, actually.
Marge Johnson: A robot?
Adrian Monk: An egg-eating robot.
Marge Johnson: Oh, my word. It's just one insane thing after another, now, isn't it?
Adrian Monk: Yes, ma'am.
Marge Johnson: Don't play with your food, honey.

Natalie: And Mr. Monk, is that new?
Adrian Monk: It's handmade. She made it.
Marge Johnson: Yep, this is gonna keep him warm on those stakeouts.
Natalie: [laughs] A stakeout scarf. Oh, it's lovely. So, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Rearranging the living room was Marge's idea. I case, you know, I make a friend.
Natalie: Marge, how did you do it? I've been trying to get him to move these chairs for years! Wow. Oh, Mr.
Monk, I got you the Windex and the vacuum cleaner bags you need.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, already done. Marge and I went shopping last night and cleaned the whole place this morning.
Natalie: Okay, then. Well, then I'll just make you some breakfast.
Adrian Monk: No, I already ate. Marge made these amazing cranberry nut muffins. Her own recipe from her cookbook. She writes cookbooks.
Natalie: Really?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, they were delicious. I ate the whole batch. And get this they weren't just square like yours. No, these muffins were cubed. Cube muffin. Like a cube shape. Cube, basically.

Dr. Bell: A stakeout scarf?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. She knits! She cooks! She writes! She's an amazing person.
Dr. Bell: She sounds like it.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. I'm gonna bring her to work with me later. The captain said I could bring her along.
Dr. Bell: This woman has become very important to you. Well, I think it's wonderful. It's what we call a "transformative relationship."
Adrian Monk: That's exactly what it is. I have been transformed. I feel like I've found a piece of myself I didn't even know was missing. Look, look. She she writes me these little notes. Puts 'em in my pockets. "Adrian, I am so happy you are in my life. Love, Marge." My other mother only left me one note ever, in my whole life. I found it in my lunchbox. It said, "Your father is driving me crazy."
Dr. Bell: Your other mother?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Dr. Bell: You just called your real mother your "other mother."
Adrian Monk: You're right. Sorry. Wait a minute. No, I'm not. I'm not sorry. Why should I be sorry? Marge is a better mother to me than the woman who raised me. She supports me. She she's proud of me.
Dr. Bell: She loves you.
Adrian Monk: She loves me. Unconditionally.
Dr. Bell: It doesn't get better than that.
Adrian Monk: No, it does not.

Marge Johnson: You're right. Yep, he has a a mole. Right on the same cheek as Paulie. What do you know?
Adrian Monk: I'll tell you what I know. John Keyes is your son.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?!
Adrian Monk: No, it makes perfect sense. They've been in it together, planning it together from the very beginning. Here's what happened. They knew that once they robbed this store, John would be the number one suspect. He needed an airtight alibi. That's where you came in.
Marge Johnson: Adrian, you're scaring me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk.
Adrian Monk: Your son got himself a phony ID. And rented the house next door. Then you started complaining about his drumming. Oh, you were the perfect alibi. Who would ever question the little old lady who lived next door? And I was your perfect patsy. You befriended me, you led me on, you made me love you so that I would vouch for you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Buddy, are you sure about this?
Marge Johnson: Adrian, I- I hardly know the man. He's a neighbor.
Adrian Monk: He's your son.
Marge Johnson: No, he's my neighbor.
Adrian Monk: He's your son.
Marge Johnson: He's my neighbor!
Adrian Monk: He's your neighbor and your son.

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, get down! Togo! Down, now! Now! Now! Move! Togo, drop it! Togo, no! I knew it. I knew it. He's sentient. He's alive! You guys okay? Science fiction, huh?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, uh, they were in it together. Him and the, robot.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, that explains almost nothing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You did what you had to do, Lieutenant.

Adrian Monk: You like my hair?
Natalie: Yeah. I like your new haircut. I think you did a good job.
Adrian Monk: What's the catch?
Natalie: There's no catch. I think it looks good.
Adrian Monk: No, you've been complimenting me all day. First you think I should write a book. Now you like my haircut?! What- What are you after? I mean... You're up to something. You want a day off, is that it? You want tomorrow off.
Natalie: No, maybe I like you. Maybe I'm just being nice. Isn't that possible?
Adrian Monk: You're- You're up to something.
Natalie: You know what? I take it back. I think your haircut looks terrible, okay? Jeez, Mr. Monk, you know? I'm just being nice. There isn't always a catch.

Adrian Monk: Hi. Hi, again. It's Adrian Monk, remember me?
Marge Johnson: Sure.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, what's going on?
Sgt. Mueller: Disturbing the peace. It's no big deal.
Marge Johnson: Well, it's a big deal to me. You know, it's my peace he's disturbing.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it's her peace. It's a big deal to her.
Marge Johnson: We're talking about my next-door neighbor, Mr. Keyes. He bought a set of drums two weeks ago, and I haven't slept in ten days. I'm just desperate and I can't get anybody to do anything about it.
Sgt. Mueller: I was just explaining to Ms. Johnson here that the department has other priorities.
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe the department does, but I don't. Okay, if- If this happens again, call the dispatcher and have him forward the call to me, Adrian Monk. I'll take care of it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What have you got?
Adrian Monk: Tire tracks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's hydraulic fluid.
Adrian Monk: Togo was dripping.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get a sample of this.
Adrian Monk: We know we're looking for one guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How do you figure?
Adrian Monk: Well, if it were two or more, they would have just carried it out. This guy brought in a hand truck, and this sign looks like new. No nicks or scratches. Didn't you say this display had been here for years?
Miles Franklin: We had to replace that plaque. About two months ago, some nut from Berkeley spray-painted all over it. He says that he broke the world record and it should be him in the museum.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A jealous egg-eater. God help us, we have a motive.

Adrian Monk: Hi. I wonder if you could keep it down. You're disturbing the neighbors.
John Keyes: I'm practicing. I'm a musician.
Adrian Monk: I understand, but it's so loud. And you've been playing all day, and... [Monk looks over at Marge's house]
John Keyes: Oh, I get it. The crone from next door sent you.
Adrian Monk: She's not a crone.
John Keyes: But what are you, her favorite nephew? Look, you tell your auntie that I'm an artist and I'm expressing myself. What, if if Picasso was living next door to her, would she be complaining about him?
Adrian Monk: I'm not her nephew. I'm with police. More or less.
John Keyes: More or less?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. [clears throat]
John Keyes: Okay.
Adrian Monk: Okay what?
John Keyes: Well, I was gonna take a break anyway.
Adrian Monk: Okay, then. Okay. Well, have a nice quiet day.