Marge Johnson: He stopped?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Marge Johnson: What on earth did you say to him?
Adrian Monk: Well, I told him you were a friend of mine and, he got the message.
Marge Johnson: Ah. Just like that?
Adrian Monk: Well...
Marge Johnson: I'm impressed. You're a regular John Wayne.
Adrian Monk: Except, you know, he needed a gun. [Marge laughs] Anyway, I'm glad I could help. Uh, don't reckon he'll be bothering you again.

Adrian Monk: I love your house.
Marge Johnson: Do you? Did you grow up in a place like this?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I grew up wishing it was a place like this. Is this you?
Marge Johnson: Yeah, I always wanted to write a cookbook. Of course, I let it go till I was 65, and then you know what my sister said? She said, "You can't write a cookbook at 65. Besides, nobody cooks anymore anyway." She said, "You're 65. You retire."
Adrian Monk: So you two aren't close?
Marge Johnson: Well, she means well.

Marge Johnson: Come on. Let's eat.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Marge Johnson: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I just thought-
Marge Johnson: You haven't even washed your hands. Were you brought up in a barn? [Monk laughs] What's so funny?
Adrian Monk: I forgot to wash my hands. I'm- I'm usually pretty good about that kind of stuff.
Marge Johnson: And use soap.
Adrian Monk: Yes, ma'am.

Marge Johnson: What does a police consultant do, actually?
Adrian Monk: Well, I do what any regular detective does except I'm not really on the team.
Marge Johnson: Really? That doesn't sound fair.
Adrian Monk: They have their reasons.
Marge Johnson: I'm gonna write 'em a letter about it.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no, Marge. You don't have to do that.
Marge Johnson: No, no, I don't worry. I am just gonna tell everybody what a help you were to me with that Buddy Rich neighbor of mine.

Winston Kasinsky: Did I write 'em? Yeah, I'm not denying it. But I never hurt anybody. I'm not a maniac. I'm a competitive eater. Professional.
Gloria Kasinsky: He's an athlete. You see all these trophies?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am. Look, this isn't a magazine interview. There was a murder last night. A security guard was killed and the man who killed him stole the Togo exhibit.
Lieutenant Disher: You called Mr. Togo a "sham," a "disgrace," and a "charlatan."
Winston Kasinsky: Which he is. It's not slander if it's true.
Gloria Kasinsky: When Togo broke that record, he was in Malaysia. The eggs are smaller there.
Winston Kasinsky: They're like 12 centimeters.
Gloria Kasinsky: Everybody knows that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. The eggs are smaller in Malaysia.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, in February, in broad daylight, you defaced the plaque in front of the Togo exhibit.
Winston Kasinsky: I didn't deface it. I mean, I I corrected it.
Gloria Kasinsky: The fact is, my husband is the true world champion. He beat that record two years ago in Mexico City. He ate 54 eggs in six minutes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding.
Gloria Kasinsky: [to Disher] Don't touch that. But the Guinness people didn't recognize it. They said that the last three weren't down.
Winston Kasinsky: They were down long enough.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I'm sorry I missed that.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Kasinsky, where were you last night between 9:00 and 10:00 pm?
Winston Kasinsky: Last night, we were at the Chicken Meister.
Lieutenant Disher: The Chicken Meister.
Winston Kasinsky: It's a restaurant on Vinton. They've got an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Gloria Kasinsky: Or so they claim.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you pay with a credit card?
Winston Kasinsky: No, but they'll remember me.
Gloria Kasinsky: They'll remember him.
Winston Kasinsky: Yeah, take my word for it.

Winston Kasinsky: Look, it wasn't me, okay? I mean, I'm not angry anymore. I'm past that.
I'm gonna compete again. Two weeks. Boston. This time there's gonna be no wondering who the top dog is. It's gonna be right here.
Gloria Kasinsky: He has been training all year. He's up to 80 eggs in six minutes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really?
Winston Kasinsky: You don't believe me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I'm sure you're very talented, but...
Winston Kasinsky: Evan, get the eggs. We'll do this right now. You can be my witnesses, which is perfect, 'cause you're cops. They have to believe you.

Marge Johnson: Doesn't this look better?
Adrian Monk: They're not even.
Marge Johnson: Oh, they don't have to be even. It's so warm and cozy. Now you don't have to shout all the way across your room just to talk to your friends.
Adrian Monk: Right. What what friends are those?
Marge Johnson: Oh, you have friends. And if you didn't before, you do now.

Marge Johnson: Honey, are you hungry? I could make you something to eat easily.
Natalie: No, thank you. I ate with Julie, my daughter. She was up a little early. She has a cold.
Marge Johnson: Oh, and you're not even there with her. What kind of a boss are you?
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Marge Johnson: You go home. Take care of your family.
Natalie: Oh, no, I couldn't. I couldn't leave Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, go ahead. I'll be fine.
Natalie: Really?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Marge is here. I'm fine.
Marge Johnson: We'll come over later and bring you some of my world-famous tomato soup.
Natalie: Really?
Marge Johnson: We can always call you if something really horrible happens. Like if another crazy robot disappears.
Adrian Monk: Always with the jokes, Marge.

Marge Johnson: I have got something for you. I don't want to forget.
Adrian Monk: What what is it?
Marge Johnson: I cut this out of the local paper this morning. "Contribution of expert consultants such as Adrian Monk." You're famous.
Adrian Monk: Not famous so much as acclaimed, I think.
Marge Johnson: Oh, Mr. Modest. Do you have a a scrapbook?
Adrian Monk: No, no.
Marge Johnson: Well, I'll make one for you.
Adrian Monk: What?
Marge Johnson: Yeah. You know, you're an important person, you should have a scrapbook.