Marge Johnson: I don't understand. Has something happened?
Lieutenant Disher: A jewelry store was robbed last night, and the manager, a man named David Elliot, was shot and killed, so we really do need to talk to you.
Marge Johnson: You surely don't think I had anything to do with that.
Lieutenant Disher: No, ma'am. Of course not. But we do have a pretty good idea of who it was. It was a man named John Keyes.
Marge Johnson: That's my neighbor!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am, turns out Mr. Keyes worked at that jewelry store. He was fired last summer for stealing a necklace.
Lieutenant Disher: And he has a record. Burglary and assault. So we brought him.

Adrian Monk: So how does he look?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He looks good to me. He smells like the guy.
Adrian Monk: But?
Captain Stottlemeyer: But he has an alibi. He says he was home. That at 10:30, at the time of the robbery, he was playing his drum set.
Lieutenant Disher: And it does check out. According to our phone log, you called the station at 10:35 pm to complain about the noise.
Marge Johnson: Yes I did. I didn't want to bother you again, you know. Sit up, darling.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ms. Johnson.
Adrian Monk: Marge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Marge, this is very important. Now, are you sure- Are you positive that you heard Mr.
Keyes at 10:30 playing his drum kit last night?
Marge Johnson: Yes. I not only heard it, I saw him. The light was on and I could look right through the window at him. It- You know, it was definitely him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hello, square one. Thank you.

Marge Johnson: He's so serious when he works, isn't he?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am.
Marge Johnson: I think he's looking for the clue.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am, he is.
Marge Johnson: Oh, I think he found one. We're making a scrapbook.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? Can't wait to see that.

Adrian Monk: Okay, Marge. If that is, in fact, your name. Let's try this again. Where are the jewels?
Marge Johnson: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: Tell me where they are! I'll talk to the D.A. Maybe he'll cut you a deal.
Marge Johnson: Adrian, why are you doing this?
Adrian Monk: "Why are you doing this?" Look, your son is just down the hall. Stottlemeyer and Disher are with him now. It's just a question of which one of you talks first.
Marge Johnson: Don't you call that man my son. My son is dead, and you know it.
Adrian Monk: Quit lying. Liar! You're worse than my own mother. At least she never pretended to love me. And by the way, your stupid scarf itches. [slams scarf down on table]
Natalie: Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Not now! Not now. I'll tell you something else, your kitchen smells. Okay, your whole house smells. It smells like mold. And for the record, I was onto your little act from the very beginning. I was acting, too.
Natalie: John Keyes just made bail. He went home. His mother picked him up. His real mother.
[After Monk picks up the scarf Marge knitted for him, she walks over and takes it back before leaving.]

Natalie: That was Randy. He's at the Department of Records. He said they're not related at all. She lost her son just like she said.
Adrian Monk: So there really was no...
Natalie: There was no catch.
Adrian Monk: What do I say?
Natalie: Just speak from your heart, Mr. Monk. Here, here, here.
Adrian Monk: Any other ideas? Quick! Anything?
[Marge opens the door, but leaves the screen door closed]
Adrian Monk: Hello. It's me. Adrian Monk. I am so...
Natalie: Sorry.
Adrian Monk: Sorry. I- I am sorry for...
Natalie: Everything.
Adrian Monk: Everything. I accused you of things, and I said things... I thought there was a catch. Whenever something not horrific happens to me, I don't trust it. And I- I brought you these. I'll just leave them there. Can we just go back to what we had, Marge?
Marge Johnson: I have no son. Again.

Adrian Monk: "Speak from your heart"? What kind of advice is that?
Natalie: Just give her a little time, Mr. Monk. She'll miss you eventually. She'll come around.
Adrian Monk: But why? What would she miss about me? My accusing her of murder, dragging her to the police station, and interrogating her? For the love of God, what is wrong with me?
Natalie: Are you really asking, or is that a rhetorical?
Adrian Monk: Rhetorical.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hydraulic fluid. Just like-
Adrian Monk: Just like the museum.
Natalie: All right. So what are we looking for?
Adrian Monk: We're looking for this.
Natalie: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] It's the egg-eating robot from the Museum.
Natalie: He re-dressed it.
Adrian Monk: It's his alibi. Here's what happened. I mean, here's what really happened. When Keyes started playing drums a few weeks ago, he wanted the neighbors to complain. That was the key to his whole plan. Last night, the machine must have been on a timer. It kicked on at 10:30 while Keyes was across town robbing the jewelry store. Marge didn't see anybody drumming last night. What she saw was a machine.
John Keyes: Very clever, Mr. Monk. I'll take that gun, captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Keyes, you don't want to do this. You don't want to kill a cop.
Adrian Monk: Or a ex-cop.
Natalie: Or a ex-cop's assistant.

Natalie: Marge, we heard you were leaving.
Adrian Monk: It's because of me, isn't it?
Marge Johnson: No, Adrian. Please don't think that. I have a sister in Seattle. We're gonna buy a townhouse together.
Adrian Monk: Your sister?
Marge Johnson: She's lonely, too. We're just gonna try to be a little less lonely.
Adrian Monk: Listen, Marge, I just want to explain the things I said.
Marge Johnson: I'm sorry, too. Now, let's just forget it. Wait. It's a mighty cold world out there, Adrian. [puts scarf on him] You stay warm.
Adrian Monk: Yes, ma'am.
Marge Johnson: Just remember. You're a pirate.
Adrian Monk: Yes, ma'am.