Captain Stottlemeyer: So identical twins? That's one for the books.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I said twins.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, you always say twins.

Adrian Monk: Listen. Do you hear that?
Natalie: What? The birds?
Adrian Monk: Not the birds. Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling. Toilet tank of life.
Natalie: Come on, Mr. Monk. I'll drive you home.
Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called the great cosmic swirly. There's no escaping it.
Natalie: Plato said that?
Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I'm gonna need that shower cap back.

Adrian Monk: Okay, look. Roderick Brody changed my life. Maybe as much as Trudy did. He ruined everything. It was childhood's end really.
Dr. Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice and he told you to face up to the bully and the bully backed down.
Dr. Bell: Yes, more or less, yes.
Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It'll give me something to think about at 1:00 when my head is in the man's toilet.

Dr. Bell: Why don't you just cancel? Just say you're busy.
Adrian Monk: Natalie won't let me! It's the first paying customer we've had in three weeks. Look, what I need is a note, okay? A note from you. Something I can show Natalie to get me out of this.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, I'm not gonna write you a note.
Adrian Monk: You don't have to write it. It's already written. All you have to do is sign it.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, this isn't gym class. Now you've been talking about this Roderick Brody since the first session. And as I recall, you're still having nightmares about him. See, I think this meeting today is a gift. It's an opportunity.
Adrian Monk: Maybe you right. Let's sign the note.
Dr. Bell: It's an opportunity to confront your deepest and most troubling fears. To finally resolve them. Put them all behind you. Not many people get this chance.
Adrian Monk: I see your point. I never looked at it like that. Can I have the note back?
Dr. Bell: Sure. Wait a- You're not planning to forge my signature?
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] No, no, no. [tries to grab the note]

Adrian Monk: Hi, excuse me. Hi, we're looking for this woman.
Bartender: You a cop?
Adrian Monk: Just an old friend.
Bartender: Haven't seen her.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory.
Bartender: Is that a dollar?
Adrian Monk: Okay, I get it. Who knows, maybe there are... two General Washingtons. [Bartender walks away] Where are you going? Where's he going? Got to admire the guy. He's incorruptible.

Natalie: What is that? Is that your camera? Where did you get that?
Adrian Monk: It was a birthday gift.
Natalie: From who? Thomas Edison?
Adrian Monk: It was from my nana.
Natalie: Wait, is there actual film in it?
Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it. I have three pictures left. There's not enough light. So...
Natalie: Is that a flash cube?
Adrian Monk: Bingo. Hold this. Hold it.
Natalie: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. Hold that. I'm gonna use it as a mirror.

Lieutenant Disher: How do we tell' em apart? Say aunt.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. Yeah, that works too.

Adrian Monk: Thank you again for squeezing me in.
Dr. Bell: Oh, I'm happy to do it, Adrian. There's just something I still don't understand. We already had an appointment for 3:00.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, 3:00 is too late. You remember Roderick Brody?
Dr. Bell: Yes, that's the bully from middle school who used to, you know. In the lavatory.
Adrian Monk: Swirlies. They're called swirlies. He called yesterday. I'm supposed to meet with him this afternoon.
Dr. Bell: Oh. What does he want?
Adrian Monk: What do you think he wants? He wants to pick up where he left off.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, I don't think a 50-year-old man is calling you back after all this time just to... To give you another swirly.
Adrian Monk: You don't, huh?
Dr. Bell: No, I don't.

Natalie: Let's just hear what he has to say. If you're not comfortable, we'll leave. I promise.
Adrian Monk: Really? I'm not comfortable.
Natalie: Come on.
Adrian Monk: Not comfortable.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, we haven't even said hello.
Adrian Monk: Wait. Wait. Okay, wait! Okay, wait, wait.
Natalie: What is that? Is that a shower cap?
Adrian Monk: Sometimes he'd let me wear one.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't think we're gonna be needing that.

Natalie: She seems nice. How bad could her husband be?
Adrian Monk: Doesn't always work like that. Eva Braun took in stray puppies for god's sake.
Natalie: At least we know his checks won't bounce.
Adrian Monk: Look at that thing. That is hideous. [toilet flushes] God. He's warming up. Shower cap.
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: Shower cap!