Captain Stottlemeyer: Russell. This is Officer DiMarco. He's gonna help you settle in.
Officer DiMarco: Hi. Wow, it is a real, real honor to meet you, sir. [shakes Monk's hand] Uh, I... Honestly, I've been reading about your cases for years. I even kept a scrapbook for a while, remember, Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. [wipes his hand]
Officer DiMarco: Um, wow. Uh, if you don't mind, could I maybe keep that as a souvenir? [Monk gives him the wipe]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'll let you two boys get to it. I got a lot of work. I'm drowning back here.
Adrian Monk: Okay.

Officer DiMarco: So could you hold this for me for a second?
Adrian Monk: Uh, whoa, whoa.
Officer DiMarco: Just one second. I need to get rid of this. It's not the '50s.
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait...
Officer DiMarco: All you need...
Adrian Monk: What do we have here?
Officer DiMarco: Uh, this is your computer. Yeah, four terabytes with a fiber optic web interface. It's, uh, it's for logging calls. [hands over headset] This is yours. It's better than handing out traffic tickets, right?
Adrian Monk: Wh- Why can't I just write 'em in the log book?
Officer DiMarco: What- What's a log book? I don't--

Adrian Monk: [answering call] Yes, hello. This is Detective Monk. I am wearing a headset.
Man: Are you guys looking for the pickaxe killer? 'cause I know who it is.
Adrian Monk: Please hold. [starts typing] T I P,p,p,p,p. Yes. Is the suspect male or female?
Man: Male.
Adrian Monk: Please hold. M.
Man: Don't put.
Adrian Monk: What is the name of the suspect?
Man: His name is Brian.
Adrian Monk: Please hold-
Man: Don't put me on hold again.
Adrian Monk: Please hold. B...

Officer DiMarco: Monk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, just one minute. I got a tip on the killer.
Officer DiMarco: No, no, Monk, we got him. They just picked him up.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Officer DiMarco: The pickaxe killer.
Adrian Monk: Well, how? How?
Officer DiMarco: Uh, some- Some window washer saw him. Yeah, he saw the guy, he matched the description, he flagged down a traffic cop. Can you believe it? It's case closed, just like that.
Adrian Monk: Just like that. Great, that's-- Hey! [quietly] Good job.

Waitress: Want another ginger ale?
Adrian Monk: Oh, no, thank you, but his glass is dirty. There's a smudge.
Waitress: I'll get you another.
Detective Jones: Now that, gentlemen, is what you call a real woman.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: No doubt about it.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Mm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: You can tell. No Adam's apple.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: [laughs] No Adam's apple. That's a new one.
Adrian Monk: No Adam's apple.

Natalie: Mr. Paxton. I'm sorry, I mean Jim. Um, these are the new contracts. Legal hasn't seen them yet.
Jim Paxton: Oh, great, yeah, forget about that. Let me have those. Brilliant. Thank you very much, Teeger. Oh, uh, teeger, have you heard the new Coldplay album yet?
Natalie: No.
Jim Paxton: You know, I think you should go back to your desk, take a listen to it.
Natalie: Okay. Why?
Jim Paxton: Because the people that we're gonna be Having dinner with tonight are probably gonna ask you a few questions about it.
Natalie: Who are we having dinner with?
Jim Paxton: Coldplay.
Natalie: Coldplay?
Jim Paxton: Mm-hmm. Yeah. They're touring next year, looking for a new promoter.
Natalie: Aren't they playing in Denver?
Jim Paxton: Yep. Yeah, I think they are.
Natalie: Okay, then I'll... I'll call the airline.
Jim Paxton: Mm-hmm. Better yet, let's take my plane.
Natalie: Yes. Better yet, let's do that. Let's take your plane.

Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: You ready?
Adrian Monk: It's been 12 years.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: It'll come back to you. It's like sex. Well, not sex, I mean, something you do.

Adrian Monk: Nice shooting, and nice grouping!
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just cleaning up for you.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Leave the shells, Monk. [fires] Leave the shells, Monk. [fires]
Adrian Monk: Safety first, right?
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Monk, leave the shells.
Adrian Monk: You know what, I'll get those later.

Sgt. Danny Weaver: What the hell are you doing here?
Adrian Monk: It's about Mikhail Alvanov.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Who?
Adrian Monk: The window washer. You know, the guy who got the reward.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: What about him?
Adrian Monk: Well, his story doesn't track. Listen, he said he was on the seventh floor of the Burkman Building at 2:30 looking west. Well, I went back up there during lunch. You were probably wondering where I was.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: No.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, now you know. I was up there at 2:30 looking west. The sun was directly in my eyes.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: So he was wearing sunglasses.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, he said he read the license plate. I have 20/20 vision. I couldn't read anything from the seventh floor. Nothing.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Monk, the guy's tip was righteous. Hmm? The pickaxe killer's in jail. He confessed. We have the murder weapon.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: We found pieces of his victims in his attic.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, no, no, I know. I know the tip was good.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Well, what're you saying?
Adrian Monk: He's lying, okay? The window washer's lying. That's all.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Look, I think I know what's going on here. You're jealous. The big, super detective. You can't stand the fact we didn't need you.

Sgt. Danny Weaver: What's that?
Adrian Monk: Looks like a coupon. 30 cents off Hardy Chow dog food. He didn't follow the line. You see, the dotted line there.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Well, not everybody's you. Thank God.
Adrian Monk: Do you have a dollar? [Doyle hands him a dollar] It's the same size. It was a payoff. That's what he was doing here. Somebody was paying DiMarco off, or that's what DiMarco thought. He cut up newspaper into dollar-sized pieces; make it look like cash.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Why?
Adrian Monk: To distract him. To put him off guard. And then they shot him.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Or he had a dog, and he just wanted to save 30¢.
Adrian Monk: It was a payoff.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Monk, come on. Look, the captain's gonna be here in a few minutes. I want to get this straight. Are you saying this kid is dirty?
Adrian Monk: It would explain everything. Why his safety is still on and his gun is holstered.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: I'm not saying you're wrong. You might be right. But here's what I am saying. Until you're sure, until you're 110%, hmm? You're to shut your face. Do you understand that? You're on this side of the blue line now, Detective Monk. That kid is family. So I'm gonna ask you one more time. Are you 110%?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sgt. Danny Weaver: Then button it.