Phil: Withholding information would be a violation of the realtor's oath.
Claire: Which you wrote.
Phil: Well, I also wrote my own wedding vows. I guess I should break those, too?
Claire: Phil.
Phil: What am I saying? I'll never send you to bed without a hug.

Earl: This thing between us is getting out of control. We got to put an end to it right now.
Jay: As long as you own up to what you did 30 years ago.
Earl: If apologizing is gonna keep your no-good son away from my Sophie, then-
Gloria: He's not a no-good!
Jay: Yes, he is. He's a walking hormone. Now, let's hear this apology.
Earl: Fine. I was under a lot of pressure back then, and-
Manny: Okay, keep in mind I'm not in makeup yet, but do these sandals make my legs look thick? 'Cause I- I could lower the hem.
Jay: Aw, geez.
Earl: Who's that?
Jay: That's, uh, the maid's son. Not now, Gomez!

Mrs. Plank: I will take Lily back if you are able to tell me the object of this sentence.
Cameron: Oh, gosh.
Mrs. Plank: "Lily's parents were wrong about Mrs. Plank."
Cameron: Do you know it?
Mitchell: I- I- I think that the object is to humiliate us?
Mrs. Plank: Correct. See? I can teach anybody.

Jay: Check this out. What's my biggest problem in the bedroom? [door bell]
Manny: Oh, thank God.
Jay: It's that I'm always wearing the same socks because they're always up front. But this bad boy stores and rotates your socks. It's gonna revolutionize the closet industry.
Gloria: What an exciting time to be alive.
Jay: I'm gonna get my lawyer on the horn, try to lock the name down. Check this, "sock it to me."
Gloria: How about "soxbox?"
Jay: Gloria, please. I'm selling a lifestyle here.

Mitchell: Hey, you're back already? How was the birthday party?
Lily: I rode a unicorn.
Cameron: Yes, you did. All by your lonesome. [whispers] It wasn't a real unicorn.
Mitchell: Thank you.

Cameron: [aside to camera] I call Mrs. Plank "Mrs. Crank. " Because, you know, I have the courage to say what others won't.
Mitchell: Behind her back.

Phil: And I also I helped the previous owners install a brand-new tankless water heater a year ago, but did they show any gratitude?
George: Nope! Because it's a "tankless" job.
Phil: Yes! Please move in. We can riff like this all the time.

Claire: Uh, what is your line of work, Ronnie?
Ronnie: Well, I'm basically a doctor.
Amber: Oh, stop being modest. He owns, like, a buttload of medical-weed dispensaries.
Haley: Ah, that's where I kno- [pretending to answer phone] Oh, hello?

Jay: Damn it, she saw the sock it to me!
Gloria: So what?
Jay: If she can remember how it works, she's gonna tell Earl all about it.
Gloria: If she can remember how it works? You put the sock in a box. Even Joe could have thought of that.

Ronnie: Is this one of those realtor tricks?
Phil: No.
Ronnie: Where you're trying to get me to raise my offer?
Phil: Oh, no.
Ronnie: Well, it's working. All right. I'll throw in another 50 grand.
Phil: What?! That's a terrible idea!
Ronnie: I'm not losing the house. I had the best sex of my life in there.
Phil: When?!