Claire: Okay. That's them. That's them. Everybody look like you're gardening. Luke, grab that little hoe.
[Luke puts his arms around Haley]
Haley: Uh, I -- I don't think that's what she meant. Is it?

Jay: Holy cow. It works!
Gloria: What is he doing?
Manny: He's putting socks in a soda box and pulling them out.
Gloria: Oh, no. This is like when my grandmother started combing her hair with a cactus. Jay, Jay, who is the president?

Jay: How could you bring her to my home? She's the granddaughter of my worst enemy.
Manny: I had no idea who she was. I met her in my theater group. I'm Caesar, and she's concubine #3. It was bound to happen.

Jay: What else did you discuss with her? Did you mention we've been experimenting with lighted hanging rods?
Manny: I don't have a great rap with girls, but it's better than that.
Jay: Well, you're gonna use it with someone else 'cause I forbid you to see her.
Manny: What?
Gloria: That's not fair.
Jay: What's not fair is me picking up the pieces of my life while Earl gets to be an extra on "Dallas"!

Mrs. Plank: Parents are not allowed to choose their children's teachers.
Mitchell: No, and, of course, I would never suggest special treatment for Lily even if she is a- a former orphan and minority and- and daughter of two gay men.
Cameron: That's a big load on those little shoulders.
Mrs. Plank: Are you suggesting that your daughter is at a disadvantage because she's being raised by gay parents?
Mitchell: Is it working?

Cameron: Look. Uh, we just don't think that Lily responds to your, uh, teaching methods, and we think she would be happier in Miss Sparrow's class.
Mrs. Plank: We would all be happier in that new-age drum circle she calls a classroom.
Cameron: Okay, well, we didn't mean to offend you. We're not saying you're any worse than her.
Mrs. Plank: She.
Cameron: Ma'am?
Mrs. Plank: "Than she." That's proper English. It's too bad Lily won't learn it.
Mitchell: So she can go.
Mrs. Plank: As far as I'm concerned, she's gone already. One more child left behind.
Mitchell: Okay, you know what? No. Lily will be fine, 'cause she's gonna have the chance to thrive in a more supportive environment.
Cameron: Yeah, you don't need to worry about she.

Claire: [aside to camera] When Reefer Madness raised his offer, we invited the Thompsons over to try to convince them to raise theirs.
Phil: We wanted to show them that the best thing about that house is its location.
Claire: It's Dunphy-adjacent.

Jay: Just keep your granddaughter out of my house. For all I know, you sent her over there to spy on me!
Earl: Sophie? What is she doing at your house?
Jay: Dating my kid.
Earl: Mitchell? He's got to be 40 years old. And don't you know that- Oh, I get to do this. Mitchell is gay.
Jay: Shut up. My stepson, Manny.
Earl: She's dating one of you? My little, sweet Sophie?
Jay: That's right. My boy's dating her. He's dating her real good.
Earl: Well, I'm gonna put an end to it.
Jay: Great idea, Earl. 'Cause girls love take advice from their grandfathers about boys.
Earl: I banged your ex-wife!
Jay: If you banged Dede, I do owe you an apology.

Mitchell: Miss Sparrow's so fun and creative.
Megan: Yeah, today, she gave us yarn, and we did whatever we wanted.
Lily: I don't want to play with yarn. I want to read and learn math.
Megan: We do math.
Lily: Really? What's 2 plus 7?
Mitchell: No. No, it's 9. But that's an honest mistake, sweetheart.
Lily: Okay, what does blue and yellow make?
Megan: Blellow.
Lily: [to her parents] You need to fix this.

Claire: I could not sleep all night thinking about those obnoxious people living next door to us.
Alex: Especially that boy with the ripped jeans and the long hair and those blue eyes who called me hot. Me? Hot? What?