Stephanie: Hi. I'm Stephanie Kaner, and this is Jafar. And we have an interview with Mr. Plympton.
Receptionist: Wonderful. These two are first.
Mitchell: Single white mother. Black child.
Cameron: So what? Lily's Asian. We're gay. In the school admissions poker game, we're the winning hand.
Stephanie: Oh, honey, sorry. My partner, Kavita.

Mitchell: We hated Billingsley.
Cameron: The place is so stupid.
Claire: You blew the interview, didn't you?
Mitchell: Lesbians.
Cameron: In a wheelchair.
Claire: Oh.

Manny: Mom, the dog again.
Gloria: I know, papi. I want to strangle that crazy old thing.
Jay: Just ignore it.
Gloria: It's easy for you to ignore because you have the old-man hearing. But Manny and I, we have the young ears.
Jay: I don't get how one dog keeps you awake when you grew up sleeping through cockfights and revolutions.
Gloria: Very funny, Jay.

Mitchell: [on the phone] I just realized all of Lily's friends are going to school this year and now she's late.
Claire: Don't worry. She can wait another year. Just buy her a BlackBerry. That's all she's gonna want to do anyway.
Cameron: What did she say?
Mitchell: She says to buy her a BlackBerry.
Cameron: Lily doesn't have the dexterity for that, Claire. What is happening?

Gloria: Your dog doesn't stop barking all morning, all night. He wakes my son up, and he needs his sleep.
Larry: It's not my dog. It's my soon-to-be ex-wife's. She moved out three weeks ago.
Jay: Is she coming back for it?
Larry: Not unless it starts crapping money.
Gloria: Well, you need to do something about the dog.
Larry: The dog is old and stupid.
Manny: Who are you really mad at, Larry the dog or your wife?

Larry: Who the hell is this kid?
Jay: There's no need for that.
Gloria: I'll tell you who he is. His name is Shut Up Your Damn Dog!
Larry: You know what's ironic? You come over here complaining and I have never once said a word about that obnoxious parrot of yours that's always squawking.
Jay: Parrot?
Gloria: What parrot?
[montage:]
Gloria: Jay! Jay! Jay!

Claire: We have called this family meeting because the personal electronics have gotten out of control. Starting today, there's going to be a one-week ban on all cell phones Texting, I.M.'ing video chatting, video gaming, anything on the Internet.
Alex: How am I supposed to do my homework?
Claire: The way I did.
Phil: With a chisel and a piece of stone.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Can't unplug my funny bone.

Luke: Can I still play Plants Versus Zombies? Are you not listening? But you learn about plants. And plants are life. Are you against life?

Alex: What about fantasy football?
Phil: Not a problem. My team's set this week. I am completely on board your mother's horse and buggy to yesteryear. For the next week, I may as well be Amish Jebediah Dunphy. Raisin' barns, witnessin' murders, makin' electric fireplace hearths.

Cameron: Did you see the duckies in the yard? Lily loves duckies.
Mitchell: I know.
Cameron: I'm gonna mention that.
Mitchell: Well, do. Because that's really gonna set her apart from the rest of the kids.
Cameron: We should also mention how she always perks up when we watch Charlie Rose.
Mitchell: That was one time. He was interviewing Elmo.