Claire: Hey, honey, Hugh Grant has a-
Phil: I'm in.

Claire: Okay, well, Alex has a cello lesson at 11:00 and Junior Congress at noon.
Haley: Doesn't she also have no boys at forever?
Alex: Don't you have an eating disorder you need to attend to?

Claire: Wow. All right, well, we can see the movie tomorrow. Come on. It's time for your lesson.
Luke: You mean her second lesson, because she just got schooled.
Alex: [silence] What's wrong with me today?
Claire: Shake it off, champ. It's not your day.

Cameron: Did you pack the bread for the ducks?
Mitchell: Yes. Not the whole-wheat kind. The ducks don't like that.
Cameron: They're ducks, Mitchell. They don't care.

Cameron: [on car phone] Oh, there's four of 'em, Mitchell. They're giving her little duck kisses. Oh, she's laughing.
I can't believe you're missing this.
Mitchell: Well, why not, Cam? I've missed everything else. She rolled over when I was in Phoenix. She started scooting when I was in court.
Cameron: Well, just tell 'em you're not coming in. You do enough for 'em.
Mitchell: [approaching intersection] Well, you know that. I know that. You know? The only one who doesn't know that is my sucky boss. He's the suckiest suck of all time. He's a miserable son of a bitch who... may have heard everything I just said.

Phil: That's not Denise. Mmm. Here. Read some of her messages. You're gonna feel silly.
Claire: Okay. [breathy] "Hey, Phil. How's it going?"
Phil: You can't add the sexy voice. [flatly] "Hi, Phil. How's it going?"
Claire: [breathy] "So glad to hear your neck is better."
Phil: Are you seriously jealous?
Claire: No, I am not jealous at all. I just happen to know women better than you do, and that woman wants a slice.

Phil: Okay. Just to prove how wrong you are, I'm gonna invite her over here for drinks.
Claire: Fine with me. Just hope it's fine with Denise. [breathy] "Gee, Phil, I really had my heart set on Le Reve."
Phil: That voice doesn't bother me. Kind of like it!

Manny: May I see the body?
Gloria: Baby, are you sure that's a good idea?
Manny: It's something I have to do. That's him.

Jay: Sorry, pal.
Manny: It just doesn't make any sense.
Jay: Yep. Only the good die young.
Manny: But in school, we learn raccoons are nocturnal. They sleep during the day.
Jay: They sure do, and this one must've got up for a midnight snack. You know, we've all done that.
Manny: I guess so.
Jay: Yeah. It all adds up.

Gloria: Fliza Minnelli?
Jay: How did I not know that kid was gay?