Haley: Just 'cause he called you a dork-to-dork salesman?
Alex: The empire strikes back.

Manny: Raccoons have five toes.
Jay: What's that?
Manny: I don't mean to bother you. It's just confusing. The footprints in my room only have four toes.
Jay: You know, I bet I know what happened. I'll bet he lost those toes in a fight. And that guy looked like he'd been in a brawl or two.
Manny: One toe from each foot?
Jay: Maybe. You know, Manny, I think the only thing that's gonna get you to stop asking all these questions is for you to have a little closure.
Manny: What do you mean?
Jay: Well, I'd like to throw a little memorial for Shel. It'll be good for all of us. That way we get our grief out, and then we never have to talk about this ever, ever again.

Denise: He had a boom box and a piece of cardboard in his locker. And what was your dance name?
Phil: O-Zone. Yeah.
Denise: I drove him to his Star Search audition.
Phil: Which is totally political, by the way.

Claire: Okay, she's fantastic.
Phil: Yes?
Claire: Yes. I feel awful. When did I become this horribly cynical person who assumes the worst about people?
Phil: I first noticed it seven years- You're not.

Mr. Jennings: Uh, you need to get that?
Mitchell: No. It's fine. It's just a picture of my daughter standing for the first time.
Mr. Jennings: Yeah, they do that. It's a big day. Anyway, I need you here tomorrow. I know it's a Sunday, but, uh, you think you can be on time, okay?
Mitchell: Actually, um, I have plans tomorrow, uh, so I won't be here. I-I have plans to stay at home with my family and do absolutely nothing. Okay. But I will see you on Monday.
Mr. Jennings: Mm-hmm. So, you're in charge now, is that it?
Mitchell: Well, I just figure if my daughter can stand up, then so can I.
Mr. Jennings: All right, look. We've all been working hard lately, okay? But that's the job. So either come in tomorrow or don't bother coming back again.
Mitchell: Okay. [hands over his coffee mug and his lanyard] Need the, uh, I.D. to make the elevator go down to... freedom. And this to complete my set.

Manny: Stop. I know what really happened.
Jay: You do?
Manny: I left a bag of chips near my bed. The raccoon must have smelled it. It's my fault he's dead. [tearfully] Sorry, Shel.
Gloria: Jay, you don't have anything to say to Manny?
Jay: Yeah. Manny. Shel forgives you.

Claire: Oh, Denise. These pictures are amazing. Thank you. Wow. Sweetie, that perm.
Phil: Technically, that's a Jheri curl.

Denise: It's way more exciting when she's in the room, isn't it?
Phil: No.
Denise: I still have my cheerleader outfit.
Phil: So do I. But this still can't happen.

Denise: Why are you wussing out?
Phil: I never wussed in.
Denise: What about all those things you wrote on Facebook? [breathy] "How was your day? My neck is so sore."
Phil: Why do people keep adding voices to these things? I didn't mean anything.
Denise: Are you telling me that I wasted a year of my life on this relationship?
Phil: What relationship?
Denise: How many other women have you led on?
Phil: Now I don't know!

Claire: Phil, honey. Do you remember when you broke your arm when we were first dating?
Phil: Yeah, uh, when I slipped on the ice.
Claire: Right. That's so weird. Because in this picture, you're sitting with Denise and you have a broken arm, so-
Phil: Yeah, that's- That's weird.
Claire: So you were still dating her when you started dating me?
Phil: No.
Claire: Phil?
Phil: Yeah. Maybe. There was a time, a little overlap when, uh, I was trying to break things off with Denise.
Denise: You took me to Santa Fe.
Claire: Santa Fe? Phil, you told me that was your father.
Phil: Okay, I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old.