Jay: Well, if that doesn't work, this should do the trick.
Manny: "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
Jay: We can hang this in your room. You can see it every morning, start to internalize it. Pretty soon nothing will keep you down.
Manny: But it's not true.
Jay: What are you talking about?
Manny: Lots of stuff that doesn't kill you makes you weaker. My friend's grandfather had a heart attack. Now he needs a machine to breathe.
Gloria: I've seen him- at the supermarket. Now he needs to drive one of those little, like- [imitates engine]
Jay: That's right. Be negative.
Gloria: It's just not a good poster, Jay.
Jay: You're only making me stronger.

Claire: When are you getting together with your gal pal?
Phil: Actually, I was just checking on that. She's supposed to send me a message.
Claire: Oh, you're Facebook friends.
Phil: Sure am. She's one of my 447 friends. Everybody wants a slice.

Cameron: [horn honks] Go around! We're re-creating a faux pas! Thank you.

Jay: I got some bad news, buddy.
Manny: What is it?
Jay: Well, there's no easy way to say this. Shel Turtlestein is dead.
Manny: What? How?
Jay: I was down here reading the paper, and I heard this commotion up in your room. So- So naturally, I go running up there. And this mangy raccoon had busted through your screen. He must have scampered up to where Shel was. By the time I walked in, he had- the little bastard had him by the neck and shaking him. Gravel was flying everywhere. He didn't even flinch. He just stared at me with that smug look and then bolted. If only I'd have got here earlier.

Jay: He'll be okay.
Gloria: You lie.
Jay: What?
Gloria: I'm Colombian. I know a fake crime scene when I see one.

Phil: Oh, Denise, I think you might know these people. Uh, that's Haley, Alex and-
Denise: Luke. Oh! I had curly hair just like that when I was little.
Luke: So? That doesn't mean anything. [runs off whimpering]

Denise: Wow. You really lucked out. You have a beautiful wife, a gorgeous house. Oh. And those kids- I could take Luke home with me.
Claire: Well, be my guest. Seriously, you go right ahead. [laughing]
Luke: No! I like it here! [runs off whimpering]

Manny: Hello, Jay.
Jay: What are you doing up?
Manny: Waiting.
Jay: Waiting for what?
Manny: The truth. It wasn't a raccoon, was it?
Jay: Oh, all right. You got me. I killed Shel. All right? I'm sorry. It was an accident.
Manny: Why didn't you just tell me?
Jay: Because I didn't want you to be upset with me. You and I got off to a rocky start. Lately, it's been pretty good. I was afraid I'd mess all that up if you knew that I was the one that killed your pet.
Manny: Now you're the guy who killed my pet and made a stupid lie about it.
Jay: Well, I don't think it was stupid. I thought it was pretty clever. I was just trying to avoid past mistakes.

Jay: Look. I know I can't make things all better right now, but maybe over time.
Manny: Maybe.
Jay: Get some rest.
Manny: Since we're confessing things, you know that scratch on your car?
Jay: The one that can't be buffed out? Yeah?
Manny: You should probably know how it happened.
Jay: I know how it happened. Raccoon did it.
Manny: Good night, Jay.
Jay: Good night, kid.

Mitchell: You tried to give me this 20 years ago when my pet snake died.
Jay: I did?
Mitchell: Yes. Zsa Zsa Gaboa?
Cameron: Oh, that's adorable.
Gloria: And you really didn't know that he was gay?
Jay: I must've, right?