Alex: So, how long until you sneak home - and get the backup turkey?
Claire: Have a little faith.
Alex: You're really trusting dad to do this?
Claire: In me. It's in Lily's backpack in the trunk of the car.

Gloria: Oh. This is crazy. Let's just go downstairs and tell them that we're here.
Jay: Are you kidding? We sent them a video from Mexico. We lied to their faces. You think we can just go downstairs and throw money at this and make it go away? I'm asking you. Do you think that would work?

Mitchell: No, no, I am not putting on one of my dad's hideous leisure suits.
Cameron: That is not the plan. Relax. Do you remember last year when we picked her up from that family dinner at Claire's? We were dressed as Cagney and Lacey for Pepper's '80s ladies party, and she flipped out.
Mitchell: You're not putting on one of Gloria's dresses.
Cameron: If you would simply just let me finish, that is not the plan.
Mitchell: Okay, I'm sorry.
Cameron: We're both putting on dresses.

Cameron: Mitchell, focus on the goal. You know she only dresses the way she does to get attention. Maybe it was cute a few years ago, but she's just getting too old for this.
Mitchell: You know what she needs is a good spank on the bottom.
Cameron: No, that's your father's way.
Gloria: You told them about that?
Cameron: I'm telling you, if I had this closet, I never would have come out.
Mitchell: Well, you can come back later. Let's just get this over with.
Gloria: If those mean girls have something to say to me, they should say it to my face.

Cameron: I just can't believe I slipped into one of Gloria's dresses.
Mitchell: Relax. It's a maternity poncho.

Jay: Okay, we tell them we took the noon flight out, and, uh -- where's Joe?
Gloria: I thought you were bringing him!
Jay: I'm lugging two suitcases.
Gloria: Empty suitcases! How are we gonna walk in there without-
Jay: The little turkey!
Gloria: I don't like you calling him that.
Jay: No, no, the little turkey I was cooking for us. It's still in the oven.

Mitchell: Dad and Gloria seem really okay with us wearing dresses.
Cameron: Yeah, like we do it every day?
Lily: Well, if it's okay with Grandpa, it's okay with me.

Phil: The cranberry sauce is okay, and the gravy is out of the woods.
Luke: And, thanks to you, those baby carrots are gonna pull through.
Phil: Well, they're fighters.
Nigella Lawson: [on video app] And now, Phillip, for the last time, lightly brush the thighs.
Phil: I'm gonna miss this Randy little redcoat. But it's time to cross the finish line. No!
Luke: What?!
Phil: Cranking up the heat must have dried it up and shrunk it! It's tiny!

Phil: How am I supposed to feed eleven people with this pigeon!?

Phil: We need a smaller platter or something that makes this look normal-sized!
Luke: How do you feel about a coaster?