Phil: Delicious homemade bread?
Mitchell: That looks like just regular white bread.
Phil: You two seem drunk. This will soak up the booze.

Cameron: Lily, you are not in charge of what you wear, of breakfast, or anything. Now, put that backpack on and march it out to the car!
Lily: [groaning] It's too heavy.
Cameron: Well, that's tough because I'm not carrying it for you anymore!
Mitchell: I like this new guy, huh?

Cameron: You know, this was a brand-new backpack, and now it's got turkey juice all up in it!
Mitchell: Okay, back it up, Old Yeller.

Phil: Wait a minute. I know this bird. I've been oiling these breasts all day. This is my turkey! Done to perfection! Eat it, Claire!

Alex: Wait, so, how did dad's turkey get in their suitcase?
Haley: And where did that small turkey come from?
Manny: And how did you know to come here? Dinner was supposed to be at Claire's.
Jay: All right, all right. It's like "The Caine Mutiny" in here! Our vacation got canceled at the last minute. We decided not to say anything because we wanted a break.
Claire: A br- A break from what?!
Jay: From Thanksgiving craziness. From- From stress, from yelling, from these two parading around in dresses.
Mitchell: That was a one-time thing.
Cameron: Okay, we don't wear dresses at home.
Jay: Now, look, I get that Thanksgiving is a big day for families who never see each other, but this group is together non-stop. Look, why don't you take the suitcase turkey home with you? You take the backpack turkey. We'll order a pizza, and we'll all call it a night.

Haley: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I know I seem like the last person to say this, but we can't just skip Thanksgiving! Time is going by so fast. It seemed like only yesterday that Manny was hot for me, and he's not anymore. And someday, Alex may have a boyfriend who wants her to spend it with his family. Okay, we probably got a little window there. But my point is that I love my crazy family, and I want to spend this holiday with them.

Haley: If you want a break, we can skip Christmas.
Jay: Fine. Settled.
Gloria: Okay. Si.
Jay: Skip Christmas.
Mitchell: Okay, cool. We're good.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I already had plans to spend Christmas in Cabo with my friends. I've got to get out of here.

Cameron: Okay, well, sweetie, listen, I'm afraid we can't leave until you put that dress on.
Lily: Okay.
Cameron: You see? As much as you want me to yell, I have a more effective method. When you say to a child, "I will treat you with dignity and respect," that child will, in turn, say to you-
Lily: I left the tag on. This is going back Monday.
Mitchell: Oh, and right in the middle of getting up on such a high, high horse.