Claire: [aside to camera] I just got my first perk as C.E.O. of Pritchett's Closets. I finished a big job for a spa, and as a thank-you, they sent me a free weekend for two. Phil's too ticklish for massages, though.
Gloria: But I am not! I heard it's the place where all the stars go to get hot mud poured into their faces.
Claire: I just can't wait to see this one without makeup. [chuckles]
Gloria: You do, it will be the last thing that you will ever see.

Jay: I remember my first big perk for a job well-done. I had upgraded some closets for guy who created "ALF." And six weeks later, I'm watching the show. There's ALF sassing this handsome mailman named Jay Pritchett. I still got it on Betamax.
Gloria: I remember. You showed it to me on our first date.

Phil: [aside to camera] I don't know why, but I've never tried marijuana.
Mitchell: No. No, me neither. Th- There was always something stopping me: needing to take care of Lily, the figure-skating honor code, not wanting to accidentally tell everyone in high school I was gay.
Phil: People never offered it to me, which is weird because in college, I was kind of a big man on campus. I founded a major organization, the National Association of Responsible Cheerleaders.
Mitchell: Uh, NARCs.
Phil: Yeah.