Lily: Let's play dolls.
Alex: Actually, I want to read you one of my favorite books. It's called "Little Women," and it's about four sisters who overcome poverty and the patriarchy-
Lily: Nope! Dolls. This is Ashley. She's a wife.
Alex: Well, I hope that's not the only thing that defines her. Does she have a career?
Lily: Nope, she shops. Where's Haley?

Mitchell: How come it takes me five minutes to get ready, and you take forever?
Cameron: Oh, please. I could get ready in five minutes, too, if I dressed like-
Lily: You did it again.
Cameron & Mitchell: Not changing.
Lily: Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a crazy night.
Cameron: No, honey, it's gonna be a bumpy night. Remember, you can't have two dads and make that mistake. Bumpy night.

Jay: Haley, Manny knows where all the baby stuff is, and if Joe won't go to bed, just put on Gladys Knight and bounce him around a little bit.
Haley: Oh, you still do that? I loved when you did that with us.

Jay: Gloria!
Gloria: What?
Jay: I think the new earrings are really gonna tie your whole outfit together.
Gloria: You're so sweet!
Manny: [to Jay] Wow. That was very mature of you.
Jay: Yeah, well, I'm a lot older now than when she started getting dressed.

Alex: "'Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents,' grumbled Jo. 'It's so dreadful to be poor,' sighed-"
Lily: Stop! I hate this. Can I put makeup on you?
Alex: Why does everyone ask me that?

Cameron: What did you do? What did you do?!
Mitchell: Come on! You can't possibly think-
Cameron: You shook this can so you could wear the outfit that I wanted to wear? That is exactly what I think!
Mitchell: That is insane. You saw me take it from the refrigerator and bring it to you.
Cameron: Did I? Or were you out of my sight for the two seconds that it took you to get from the refrigerator to here, which would have given you exactly the right amount of time to shake the can?
Mitchell: Nice theory, Nancy Grace, but I'm not that petty.
Cameron: Okay, you two. Did you see anything?
Lily: Just pretend you're coloring.

Claire: Why isn't Luke picking up?
Phil: It's hard to reach the phone when you're tied up by a recently paroled pizza guy.
Claire: Ha ha. You're very funny.

Gloria: I like to make an entrance.
Jay: What's that, now?
Gloria: I like the part where I go in, and everybody's waiting for me, and they say, "Gloria, you look so pretty, and that dress is so beautiful." Is that so bad?
Jay: I don't love it.

Cameron: You monster!
Mitchell: What? Oh, this? Well, you know, you couldn't wear it, so I figured, what's the harm?
Cameron: Okay, you know what? I will go over there, and I will be as socially magnetic as I always am. We will put this on the back burner, but underneath, I want you to know, I am fuming.

Claire: We're so sorry we're late. We had to drop Luke off at your place. Phil wanted him to stay home alone, but he got scared.
Phil: Man, I can't wait to get some food in my mouth and yours.