Longinus: Well, girl, come on in. Let's get you two drinks... one for each empty hand you showed up to the party with.

Mitchell: Okay, we still need wine, cheese, flowers... Oh, we have to stop by the bakery.
Cameron: Yeah, and we need a hostess gift for Longinus' Friendsgiving party. You know, she does not look kindly on an empty-handed guest.
Mitchell: [sighs] It's too much.
Cameron: I know. But what do you expect from somebody who changed their name from Larry Jones to Longinus St. Germaine?
Mitchell: No, I mean this list. Okay, we're only making it to my dad's by 4:00 if we blow off the hostess formerly known as Larry.
Cameron: No! His party's my favorite thing about Thanksgiving! Like, when we all go around the table and say one thing we're thankful for not wearing this year.

Mitchell: Oh! Hi, Ronaldo. What... Let me guess. Those are for Longinus?
Ronaldo: Oh, I would never get something this shabby for that judgy queen. No, my mom is in the hospital.

Haley: [aside to camera] Mom and Dad have been incredible... letting me, Dylan, and the twins live with them, helping with midnight feedings, bedtime stories. Dylan loves it when my dad does the voices. So, I'm giving my mom a break from cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I wanted to do something special to thank them for being there for me. [voice breaking] I'm sorry. I've just, um... I've become such a beautiful person.

Phil: Happy Thanksgiving, Jay. Oh, I can slide over if you want to watch this with me.
Jay: Nah. I never saw the point of a parade without tanks.

Jay: I'm gonna take the plane out for a spin. You want to come with?
Phil: Me? Go... fly?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: I played it cool, but I was pretty jazzed. [laughs] It's been 10 years since Jay asked me to go model-plane flying with him, and I was, uh... I was eager to replace that memory with a... a be... a better one.

Dylan: Where are you guys going?
Phil: Oh, nowhere special. Let's just say that Jay's asked me to join his mile high club.
Jay: Let's not say that.

Dylan: Cool! You know, years ago, I almost joined the female-dominated world of flight attendants. My fellow nurses still needle me about it. [chuckles] Can I come?
Phil: Uh, actually, Jay's pretty particular about...
Jay: Sure, why not?
Dylan: Looks like we're having a threesome!
Phil: You're embarrassing yourself.

Cameron: Oh, what kind of pie did you get, pun'kin, pee-can, sweet pataytuh?
Mitchell: Flourless chocolate cake. Let's see you try and country that up.

Cameron: Oh. My phone's in my pocket. Here, would you grab it? I can't get it.
Mitchell: Yep. Alright.
Cameron: Who is it?
Mitchell: Oh, it's from Jotham. "Just heard. I'm so sorry. How are you doing?" What's that about?
Cameron: I have no idea.
Mitchell: Oh, L'Michael. "Sending all my love, Camembert. Call me."
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: Artemis. "Ronaldo told me about you and Mitchell. Broken-heart emoji, tear emoji, Tammy Faye Bakker crying GIF."
Cameron: What did Ronaldo tell him?
Mitchell: No clue. I-I just saw him here, and he asked where you were, and I told him that we split up to shop and that... Oh, my God. He thinks we actually split up.
Cameron: Oh, and it's gone viral. Well, there are two things a gay can't sit on... a plastic patio chair and a juicy bit of gossip.