Mitchell: Oh! I'll say it again. I love you in paisley.
Cameron: Ooh, let me lock the door and draw the curtains.
Mitchell: What does that mean?
Cameron: Doesn't mean anything.
Mitchell: Good.
Cameron: You know exactly what it means. You won't kiss me in front of other people because you're ashamed of who you are. And yes, I went there.
Mitchell: Okay, you can't say, "Yes, I went there" when you go there all the time. And by the way, I'm the one who makes speeches on airplanes every time someone looks at us weird. I'm the one who gives my dad hell when he refers to you as my "friend."
Cameron: That's different. That's confrontation. But you know what takes real strength?
Mitchell: Whining?
Cameron: Affection.

Haley: So I hear you have a boyfriend.
Alex: No, I don't.
Haley: Who is he?
Alex: I'm not talking to you about this.
Haley: Oh, come on. You're finally interesting. Just tell me.

Alex: Don't talk yet. Here's the thing. We've been texting for a while, and it's been nice. But I feel like it's leading to something else. And I don't know if you do or not, but I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking for him to like her. Oh, God. That's from Notting Hill. So dorky. But a really underrated movie.
Jeremy: What's happening?
Alex: I'm not a lesbian. I would like for you to kiss me.

Jay: What? Are you still mad at me?
Gloria: Yes. You have to apologize for making fun of my culture my beliefs, my chunchullo, my abuela.
Jay: I'm sorry. If you think your grandmother's here with us, I respect that. Now, come here. Oh! Grandma, where'd you come from? We're gonna have to get you a little bell. [laughs]
Gloria: Enough, Jay! My culture is very important to me. I've been working all day to share it with your family tonight and all you do is mock me.

Alex: I'm never going back to school now.
Claire: No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me. Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean you-
Alex: What? You read my texts?
Haley: You read her texts? That's why you made me talk to her?
Alex: You made her talk to me?
Claire: I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Alex, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.
Alex: Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good girl like you were.
Haley: Were you? Were you? I highly doubt it!

Jay: Well, okay. Snacks and sodas are in the living room. But don't fill up. We've got intestines coming.

Claire: Uh, Dad, if you're looking for your shoes, I think I know where they are.
Jay: This happens to be a Colombian custom walking in the footsteps of the ancestors, blah, blah, blah. Beats slapping the chicken.

Gloria: Ay, Cameron, what happened? One moment you were there, the next, only shoes.

Cameron: I'll tell you what happened. Mitchell is embarrassed to kiss me in front of other people.
Mitchell: No, you ambushed me.
Claire: Oh, Cam, come on. Don't take it personally. When Mitchell was in high school, he was dating this girl, Robin Schiller. He would never kiss her either.
Mitchell: That's because I was gay.
Cameron: What's your excuse now?

Gloria: Don't you see? It's because of you that your son cannot kiss his own lover.
Mitchell: Don't say "lover."
Cameron: We don't like "lover."