Phil: Let's see this bad boy. Oh! P-750. Nice unit. I would have sprung for the 840, but I get it. Not everyone can handle that kind of horsepower.
Jay: I thought maybe the cordless phone was interfering, so I unplugged it.
Phil: Good idea. Maybe we should run downstairs and unplug the toaster while we're at it.
Luke: Oh, snap, Dad. A toaster.
Phil: We're kidding. Your cordless phone is 5.8 gigahertz. This is Wi-Fi. It's a totally different spectrum. Walk with me.

Phil: Here's a little trick that I've found pretty useful with Claire. [singing to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus"] The computer and the printer must talk, talk, talk Command-P makes the picture walk, walk, walk...
Luke: How come it's not working?
Phil: It should be. Okay. Uh, that should be printing, so...
Jay: Hey, Phil. I'm gonna get a beer, beer, beer before I hit you in the head, head, head.

Haley: Oh, my God. Please tell me this text is wrong. Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?
Claire: Alex, did you do that?
Alex: You got a text?
Haley: Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?
Alex: This is all your fault. You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian.
Claire: Haley, did you say that to her?
Haley: Oh, don't turn this on me. Look at her shoes.

Luke: Did she have a limp and a cane?
Manny: Uh-huh.
Luke: Ghost of Manny's great-grandma if that's really you show yourself!
[The printer prints an image of Manny's great-grandma]
Manny: That's her!

Gloria: Ay, Cameron, it's not Mitch's fault. He gets it from his father. Jay doesn't like the lovey-dovey in public either.
Jay: I can't believe you're coming at me right now. I'm standing here with shoes around my neck. And for the better part of a half hour I screamed the death out of your meat. Now, what do you want from me?

Claire: [aside to camera] I'm feeling a little bit disconnected from Alex right now. Last week I picked up her cell phone, thinking it was mine and I accidentally read a few flirty text messages that were probably from a boy in her class, which is fine. Or they're from a drifter.

Phil: He blew his lid when she tried to contain him.

Cameron: Okay. The house is on fire. I only have time to grab one shirt. Which one do I take?
Mitchell: The correct answer is: take Lily.
Cameron: After that.
Mitchell: Ah. Okay, the blue one.
Cameron: Because the gray one washes me out.

Jay: I'm home! What smells so good?
Gloria: I'm making chunchullo, a traditional Colombian dish for dinner with the family tonight.
Jay: Chunchullo. What is that, like tacos?
Gloria: Yes, like tacos.
Manny: No, it isn't. It's the small intestine of a pig.
Jay: Oh, geez. Why can't we eat regular food like normal people?

Claire: Haley, honey, I need you to do something for me.
Haley: Mom, my arm hurts.
Claire: Why don't you find out what it is before you start making up excuses to get out of it?
Haley: Okay, what is it?
Claire: I need you to talk to your sister. I think that there's something going on with her and a boy.
Haley: So?
Claire: So? I am your mother and it is my job to make sure that you girls don't get involved with a predator.
Haley: Okay, Mom, stop watching Dateline.