Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell has a problem with public displays of affection. I remember once at a New Year's Eve Party, stroke of midnight he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high-five. Two, gays don't high-five.

Jay: Honey, I'm sorry. I'm just teasing you.
Gloria: Instead of being the comedian, why don't you help me?
Jay: What do you need?
Gloria: Slap the chicken.
Jay: Do what?
Gloria: In Colombia, when you cook in honor of the departed you have to scare death away from the food to protect the people that are gonna eat it. Slap it and yell.

Gloria: [aside to camera:] I made all that up. That's not a real custom in Colombia. We're not lunatics. But you mess with us and we mess with you. That's the custom.