Jay: Can we just eat?
Claire: No. Tell Mitch that it's okay to kiss Cam in front of you.
Jay: Why is that something we have to do?
Mitchell: We don't.
Cameron: Of course we don't.
Mitchell: Oh, I'm sorry that I don't wanna make out with you in front of my whole family.

Claire: Dad, you being so emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.
Jay: Really?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: You had trouble showing affection in public places?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: You?
Claire: Yes.
Jay: Was that before or after you were delivered to my door in a squad car wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?

Phil: I did it! It's printing. I had to download new firmware, install new drivers change your encryption and replace an Ethernet cable in a hundred-degree attic while dodging particularly aggressive spiders.

Gloria: Wake up, dummy. This is what we're talking about. This guy's been working like an imbecile all day for you. People need something else kisses, hugs.
Jay: What? For fixing a printer?
Phil: Well, I was fine. It was only four hours. I tipped over a paint can and threw up a little. But I think I think "thanks" about covers it.

Gloria: Mitch, when was the last time he kissed you?
Mitchell: I I don't remember.
Jay: It wasn't that long ago.
Mitchell: I was 12.
Gloria: Twelve? This is the problem. Jay's dad doesn't kiss Jay, so Jay doesn't kiss Mitch. And Mitch is uptight.
Mitchell: Okay, okay. Uptight was really not on the table. This is more about kissing.

Claire: Alex, wait.
Alex: What?
Claire: I wanna talk to you.
Alex: Mom, I don't want another lecture.
Claire: It's not a lecture. I want to tell you something. Honey, I know exactly how you're feeling.
Alex: No, you don't.
Claire: Okay. The- The joke that Grandpa told tonight that- That happened. That- That was true.
Alex: So you were arrested naked?
Claire: I wasn't naked. And I was not arrested, per se. I was driven home one night by the police because my boyfriend and I had gone swimming in somebody's pool and we didn't have bathing suits, and blah, blah, blah. The details aren't important. What matters is that everybody at school was talking about it. And I thought I would die. But it passed. I swear. And now, honey, I'm I'm glad it happened. I've got a funny story to tell at dinner parties.
Alex: So, how long did it take before you thought it was funny?
Claire: Oh, God. Ten, 15 years.

Gloria: In Colombia, we kiss for everything because a kiss can mean so many different things. It can be the start of something new. It can be how we say, "This is the person that I love." It can be romantic. It can also be worth waiting for. That one is definitely my favorite.