‘The Graduates’
Season 8, Episode 22 - Aired May 17, 2017
After Manny's father, Javier, shows up to take him out the night before his graduation, Jay steps in to pick up the pieces. As Claire tries to be the calm, steady parent ahead of Luke's graduation, Haley and Alex push Phil to get all his crying out before the ceremony. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron wonder whether Lily should skip a grade, after they learn she is academically gifted.
Quote from Claire
Claire: I don't think we have to worry about him going anywhere anytime soon. He just installed a mini fridge and a hammock in his room.
Quote from Luke
Luke: Mom, Dad, you did all the hard work getting me through high school. You deserve a gift. But what do you get the Cadillac of parents? [outside] A Rolls-Royce.
Claire: Oh, my goodness! How did you afford that?
Luke: It was only $2,000. Judge Thompson, from the club, got me into a police auction. If I had 40 more dollars, you'd be looking at a speedboat.
Quote from Claire
Phil: It's the most beautiful gesture I have ever seen.
Luke: It's 100% class. Hey, Mom, didn't you say you had some errands to run?
Claire: Oh. I... in a little while. Uh, yeah. But... um, gosh, it's got fur. Wow. It's like driving a lion.
Luke: Hey, before you go, give us a honk.
Claire: All right. [horn honks to the tune of "We're in the Money"] The horn doesn't help, does it?
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: So, I've narrowed it down to Swiss Coffee and Whispering White. But I can't decide between matte or satin.
Cameron: I thought we landed on Eggshell.
Mitchell: We decided against Eggshell. W-why don't we just sell the house?
Cameron: Why don't we just paint the floor Eggshell since that's what I'm walking on.
Quote from Lily
Lily: I forgot to give this to you.
Mitchell: Oh, thank you. Have a good day at school, sweetie.
Cameron: Bye, sweetie.
Lily: It's fourth grade. We're all just treading water.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Is she in trouble?
Mitchell: No! She's... smart.
Cameron: She is?
Mitchell: That's what it says.
Cameron: Are you sure it's not for Lily Rosen? You were at that science fair. She brought that frog back to life!
Quote from Manny
Jay: How was your big night with Javier?
Manny: [groans] I overindulged.
Jay: Booze or burgers?
Manny: Booze. I drank so much, I had an angry slap fight with what turned out to be a mirror.
Gloria: [o.s.] Do I hear my Manny?!
Jay: When you're hungover, it's like a car alarm.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Ay. iHola, papi! Happy graduation day! [party horn blowing, laughs]
Manny: That's delightful.
Gloria: I need your sash and your gown. So that I can press it. I don't want anyone looking wrinkly. [to Jay] I don't mean you, but it's fun that you're right there.
Quote from Jay
Jay: What's wrong?
Manny: I kind of misplaced my cap and gown and sash.
Jay: Maybe they're at that strip club you went to last night.
Manny: Shh! How did you know?
Jay: It's all over your face.
Manny: My shame?
Jay: Glitter.
Quote from Manny
Manny: We picked up my graduation stuff on the way, and... I don't know. I guess the tassel got my dad thinking.
Jay: Why didn't you leave them in the car?
Manny: I didn't want them to get stolen. And I may have taken it out to impress a certain Chyna with a "Y." I think she really liked me.
Jay: I'm not gonna spoil that one for ya.
Manny: I graduate in five hours!
Jay: We'll get you another cap and gown.
Manny: That sash has been worn by every honoree for decades. I'm not gonna be the one to lose it after it's survived earthquakes and wars and the lunchroom gravy fire of '64!
Jay: Fine. Where is this place?
Manny: I don't know! I remember there was a lot of brass and mirrors and loud '80s music.
Jay: Well, that narrows it down.