Manny: Mom, you're already cooking for tomorrow? Don't make a big deal.
Gloria: My baby's graduating. He won the award for Integrity and Character. "No absence, no tardies, respectful to students and teachers alike."
Jay: My school had an award like that, but instead of a sash, that kid got a punch in the mouth. Proud of you, though.
Manny: Why do all your stories involve a punch in the face, a shifty European, or a broad who's been around the block?
Jay: That reminds me of when I had to rough up this Italian kid because he didn't want me dating his sister. She was no nun!

Javier: How could I miss it? Manny, the first member of my family to ever graduate from high school.
Jay: Wait a minute. Don't you have a brother in Colombia who's a doctor?
Javier: Yes.
Gloria: He just does orthopedic surgery, not brain or heart.

Claire: [singsong] There he is, the graduate.
Phil: I have one word for you, Luke... plastics.
Claire: [normal voice] I don't think he knows that movie, honey.
Phil: Mrs. Dunphy, you're trying to seduce me.