Mitchell: But if Lily really is gifted, then maybe there's another path... private schools.Although, I do love the diversity of a public school. On the other hand, I do wonder...
Cameron: Okay, you know what? We're just deciding if she's gonna skip a grade. We're not charting out the next years of her life.
Mitchell: Well, no, choices have consequences. If we don't do this right, she could lose all interest in school and drop out, and the next thing you know, we're supporting her and her deadbeat boyfriend and our savings are drained, and then we have to sell the house!
Cameron: Okay, why do all your meltdowns have to do with us selling the house?

Principal Petersen: Lily, do you want to see the computer lab?
Lily: This feels like a good time to tell you I'm adopted.

Joe: Mama, now my tooth hurts.
Gloria: Well, I guess you can't have cake today.
Joe: What if it's my leg?

Gloria: Hey, Claire, are you having fun at the Gym Town?
Claire: As a matter of fact, I am. This is my new friend, Charlie. He loves dinosaurs, and tomorrow we're both gonna have pink eye.

Gloria: Hi, Charlie! Can you go and find the negligent adult that brought you here?
Claire: Oh, do you have to go so soon? He smells so good!
Gloria: Yeah, you're like two sniffs away from a felony.

Gloria: What is going on?
Claire: I gave Phil such a hard time for being too emotional about Luke's graduation, but I think it's hitting me more than I want to admit.
Gloria: I know. It happens so fast.
Claire: Luke used to love coming here. Today he gave us a Rolls-Royce.
Gloria: The one outside is yours? I thought I was gonna be able to meet Mr. Burt Reynolds!

Claire: You're lucky. When Manny goes, you still have Joe.
Gloria: Yeah, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. We just have face it, they're not boys anymore. They're men.
Claire: Luke has a job, and he's dating. He can serve on a jury. God, that's terrifying.

Gloria: I know. Manny ditched us last night to go drinking. He thinks I don't know, but I know. He smelled like a sweaty peppermint.
Claire: I saw the pictures that he texted Luke from the strip club.
Gloria: Is that where Javier took him?
Claire: Oh. You did not know that. I'm sorry. But it- it looked like one of the classier establishments. The girl that was sitting on Manny's lap had on a really cute top, at- at least in the first picture.
Gloria: The one time that I thought that he was going to be a good father, and he teaches Manny how to be a dog! I'm gonna kill him.

Manny: Oh, yes. This is it. This is the one. Ugh. It wasn't this depressing last night.
Jay: The lunch scene in a strip joint is like a refugee camp with less hope.

Manny: I'm such a screw-up. Huh. "Integrity." It should say "Perverted Schnapps Maniac." [sniffs] Oh, God. It smells like Miss Dictorian's perfume. I can't wear this. I'm a fraud. No absents? Oh, I've got one big absent, my soul.
Jay: Manny, you've spent your whole life trying to be perfect, and this is throwing you for a loop, I get it. But if you just look around this room, you'll realize people make mistakes. You could do way worse than you did last night, and it ain't gonna change a thing. So my advice, try to be a little easier on yourself.